Monday, January 19, 2009

Short One

I'm borrowing a bike from my friend who went off to the army. it was just going to sit there for however long his term is, so he let me borrow it till he gets back. It's a fixed gear, and i rode it home from downtown. since i live in Soquel i rode past seabright beach, along east cliff, and through capitola village to get home. imbetween seabright beach and east cliff there are a few beaches. there is one specific one that has a long sloping hill that runs parallel to the beach, and in order to get onto the beach you have to go over a big wall of sand. if i knew the name of the beach i would put it down, but i sadly don't. the reason i'm talking about this is because tonight, while i was building up speed going down the long hill towards home, the light on my bike broke. at first i was alarmed and freaked out, but then i realized no cars were coming in either direction. as a precaution i pulled into the car lane. this all happened part way down the hill, but by the time i was at the bottom i couldn't see a thing. there were no street posts nor any cars to give my light. i felt like i was riding in the matrix, but instead of complete whiteness it was pitch black. i didn't know if two feet in front of me was a pot hole or the edge of the world, all i knew is that i was going too fast to stop if i wanted too and that i was loving it. it was amazing seeing nothing but the stars above, feeling the wind flowing under and through my clothes, smelling the saltiness of the sea, and the overall awareness that only comes about when you know at any moment you could be completely ruined. i was content with my predicament, accepting whatever came next. then i noticed the oncoming upward hill. Once again my inner ear was happy remembering which direction down was by seeing light hitting the ground from a nearby lamp post. i was happy to know that i was going to live, but at the same time i missed the the exhilaration of the moment passed.
Simple Pleasures: peeling an orange in one strip, waking up in the morning to freshly bought groceries, th smell of coffee in the morning, recommending a book or band to someone and then learn later that they actually listened to the recommendation, the sun setting just enough so it doesn't blind you anymore but it's still warm/cool out, talking to Elijah.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Reliability

important character trait. that probably isn't technically a character trait, but either way, i definitely like it in other people. reliability, punctuality, and honesty are three very important traits i look for in people. so if you hate me, and tell me you don't like me every time i ask, and show up when you say you'll show up, baby, we might have a future.
i caught up with a "friend" i hadn't talked to since last year. i really dislike this guy. he lies about everything. i saw him a week ago at school, and left as soon as i saw him, but when i talked to him tonight he says he hasn't visited school since last year. i don't get it. he rambles on about everything, and he aimlessly goes through life, complaining every step of the way about his circumstances, and telling everyone he meets about these poor series of unfortunate events. he doesn't shave, he has bad breath, and he shakes his head a lot when he talks, and for some reason i suspect he has some sort of mental problem, but that doesn't change the fact that i don't like him. anyways, i was talking to him and i thought to myself, "you don't care what this guy thinks of you do you? he doesn't know anyone that you like that he could ruin your relationship with. why not ask him some real questions about what he thinks about life, the world, religious and political views, and that kind of stuff?" and for some reason i decided to just keep making small talk about how his christmas break was going and if he liked his job. i don't know why i didn't ask him those questions. maybe it's because i don't care what he thinks of those things, or even that he might talk to me even longer and i don't want that. but, i don't think it was either of those things. i think it's because i'm afraid of feeling awkward, and that i don't have any guts. i don't like taking chances, even when there is no danger. i want to protect myself even if the outcome may be more interesting. i like feeling safe in my bubble, instead of being unprotected and more true to myself. i do this a lot though, and it's not always about what questions or answers i ask/give people. i won't do things because i would rather relax, or i won't go out of my way to make friends cause it's more comfortable drink coffee by myself, or i won't make plans with friends cause i've convinced myself that books are more interesting. i don't like taking risks, but who knows what opportunities i'm missing out on. i just hope i don't regret things when i look back.
on that note, i was thinking about it, and i'm gonna be such a good grandpa. by then i'll be very well-read, and i'll know all kinds of interesting stuff, and i'll be able to talk to my little granddaughter and tell her all about the world. all about the life she'll most likely have, and the passions she'll have. i can't wait to ask her what her ambitions are, and hear her shrill laugh when i spill coffee on myself.
Simple Pleasures: walking, standing on the edge of a cliff, feeling the blood pool in your finger tips when you stand still with your hands limp, opening a bottle for someone who can't, having the exact song you were hoping would come up get chosen on random, running your hand through your hair.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Seven O'clock

and both my parents are asleep on the couch. sometimes i feel like all they do is work hard, trade their time for money, waste their lives away just for me. i'm sure they enjoy themselves every now and then during work, but i'm just as sure that they would rather be doing something else. what worries me is that i'll most likely be doing the same thing when i'm their age, providing for my children. but at least then i'll be getting some.
Kurt Vonnegut is a genius. actually i'm lying, i wouldn't know, considering i've only read one of his books, and am just about to finish a second book of his. from material i've read so far though, i must say he is a unique writer. i like how he makes fun of himself and even the book during his descriptions of things. he loves to say nigger though. i get that that's the point, that people used to talk like that and it's a bad thing, but even so. he loves to confuse time as well, always talking about the future as if it were the present. he's an odd fellow.
i wish i always had coffee. if i had three wishes, one of them would definitely not be to always coffee on me, but maybe if i had a few. i also wish it wouldn't keep me up at night, so i could drink it whenever i want. Alton Brown says that Decaf coffee is of a lesser quality, and it makes sense. if you buy a Decaf pound of coffee for 5 dollars, and the regular one cost 5 dollars, the Decaf one would be worse quality because in order to Decaffeinate the coffee it has to go through an extra process, thus making it more expensive to make. so if you buy a 7 dollar pound of coffee it will probably be the same quality as the 5 dollar regular stuff. also, light roast coffee has more caffeine in it.
i've been having horrible dreams recently. two nights ago i dreamed that i slit the throat of my best friend. before that i thought i was gonna go smoke weed with a friend i would never ever do that with, and then we went to this really spooky cave. i can't really remember anything specific about other recent dreams i've had, but each day i woke up i know i'm glad i didn't remember my dream because i always feel scared when i wake up. it's probably all the stress from school...hahahaa
Simple Pleasures: giving a good gift to someone, a head nod from someone you don't know if you should nod your head to, fresh air, running your hand through your freshly washed hair, a persimmon, five stars on expert, nailing all the hammer-ons during a guitar hero riff, seeing someone fall, seeing someone gasp from fright, seeing people run in to glass cause they don't think it's there, yawning.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Presumptions

Life can just be passing you by, plain and simple, when all of a sudden it completely change. someone says a few things and then you view life differently. this someone can be from your life, from a book, or even from videos online or in a movie theater, but your perspective gets shifted. my recent revolution came about because of what someone in my life said, and it's confusing. i'm not gonna act on it, and overall nothing has physically changed, but now there's always this feeling nagging at me in the back my head. i just wish i knew exactly what i should do about the situation. i know what i should do as a christian, i know what i should do as a friend, and i know what i should do if i were just to follow what i want to do, but i don't know which to act upon. probably a mix of all three.
Emma's party was a lot of fun. lots of people i didn't know, but that was fine, i'm just glad a few showed up who i did know. she'll probably never read the book i got her, but it's a good one for sure.
Simple Pleasures: finding exactly what you're looking for in the fridge when you don't know exactly what you want before-hand, taking your socks off at the end of the day, hot coffee after playing in the snow, saying exactly what you want to say without stuttering when put on the spot, talking about a book with someone that both of you have read, a really good high-five.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

It wasn't meant to be

that's how you always reassure yourself after someone breaks up with you, or if you get fired from a job, or if you miss an opportunity. "Oh, well, i guess it wasn't meant to be." what if there isn't that perfect person that you're "meant to be" with? what if someone who might be perfect for you lives in Indonesia and you'll never ever meet them? What if you break up with the person who is perfect for you and you never get back together? what if there simply isn't someone who is perfect or even great for you? i don't think anyone is who you're meant to be with, and that you have to make the best choices you can given your circumstances.
Sometimes i imagine what would happen if i killed myself during class. Like, if i suddenly pulled a handgun from my pocket and shot myself from my forehead to the back of my head, blood would splatter all over the person behind me. would that person be traumatized, would he need therapy, would he tell people when he was older of the day when brains were splattered all over his face? or what if i were to slit my throat and start bleeding all over the girl to my lefts paper. would she scream, would she faint, would she call for help, or would she hold me in her arms as i died? what would happen if i stood up shotgun in the middle of class and told the whole class to strip down naked, maybe shoot a few of them, and then blow my own head off, what would be the insurance implications, would the NRA get in trouble, would someone in Nebraska get an idea in his head and decide to do it too? by the time i consider all the events that might arise from all this suicidal events the class is usually over.
if god helps you do things, does that mean without him you couldn't do them? what if you want to do everything by yourself, including without God's assistance? If he can help you do something, but without him you wouldn't be able to do it, doesn't that mean that he prohibits you from doing good things? if someone enables you to do something, and without him he disables you, is that the same thing as stopping you?...maybe the fact that you couldn't do the things without his help just means that we can do things that are good, but with him we can do things that are great. why shouldn't we be able to great things by ourselves though. because we aren't God. I want to be God! what is the purpose of life? To be the eyes and ears and conscience of the Creator of the Universe, you fool.
Simple Pleasures: having shampoo and conditioner, red/orange/yellow leaves on a tree, reading the last page of a long book, finding exactly what you were looking for at the bargain barn, all your electronics being fully charged or with brand new batteries in them, getting to the pokemon center only one more step away from poison killing your last pokemon, headshots, dings, rolling a 20, cracking every single knuckle, catching food in your mouth that you throw high into the air after you say "watch this" to a friend.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Happiness

I was talking to one of my friends in school a while ago, and i asked her what her main goal in life was. She replied that she just wanted to be happy. i said that was a very immature goal to have for life, and she got really offended and asked what i meant. i didn't really have a good reply to it, but i think i do now. I've read 1984, Fahrenheit 451, brave new world, and this perfect day, and in every single one of those books the inhabitants were happy. happy, but overall very ignorant. everyone's heard the term "ignorance is bliss" and it is probably true. but ignorance is not fulfillment, or success, or joy. if the human race were always happy we would get nothing done. we would just be complacent and stagnant. In "this perfect day" the human race was injected with "treatments" twice a month making them, among other things, at peace, unimaginative, happy, and just like everyone else. The main character managed to skip multiple treatments, and he experienced sexual urges, thoughts of violence, and artistic development. He managed to escape to an island that wasn't controlled by people who were treated. this island was impoverished, violent, and full of other such "evil things." i think happiness breads slothfulness, acceptance, and an overall unproductive person. if there was a machine that just gave you pure orgasmic pleasure all day long for eternity, you would probably say you are a happy person, but you couldn't say your life brought about anything worthwhile or meant anything. i'm not necessarily against happiness, i love being happy, but someone whose pure goal in life is to be happy just makes me sad. happiness is fleeting and subjective. joy on the other hand you earn through actions. joy lasts and comes about when you accomplish something. happiness is a fleeting emotion, while joy is a state of mind. you can be happy at the beginning of your day, but when some small circumstances change, you instantly turn over to bickering and complaining. someone who is filled with joy on the other hand gets happiness out of everything, whether his or her circumstances change or not. it's the person who finds the "silver lining" in everything that is truly filled with joy. happiness in and of itself is not bad, just don't let it dominate and dictate your decisions.
Simple Pleasures: waking up to no one in the house, sleeping past nine o'clock, each picture turning out on your roll of negatives, half of the pictures turning out on your roll of negatives, remembering you have a gift card to the place that you're shopping at, the sound the button makes when you take a picture with an old camera, being really thirsty at night and having a bottle of water right next to you.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Years

was not very eventful. watched office space and lord of the rings: two towers, and played call of duty 5. it was spent with elijah though, so that made up for it. he's pretty much a bad ass. straight up. still, i should've gone downtown and hung out with mason and darya. i could've gotten coffee that way.
whenever i'm hanging out with people i don't like, i'm always thinking about how i would rather be at home sleeping or reading. the worst part is that when i finally don't make plans to hang out with anyone, i just end up watching TV.
I went to San Francisco three days ago. it was the first time i had driven to SF by using highway one. the ride there was one of the best parts. Matt, Paris, Todd, and Melanie were quite the crew. we went to point lobos, haight street, amoeba music (so cool!!), Pier 39 (so touristy), and golden gate park. we listened to in the aeroplane over the sea, the rise and fall of ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars, and the glass handed kites, and two mix CDs. one of these days i'll get my license and drive there on my own. one of these days.
Simple Pleasures: getting dressed in clothes that have come right out of the dryer, pressing the snooze button for the second time, having a girl rest their head on your shoulder, a drawer full of matching socks, looking up guitar tabs for a song and knowing how to play every chord, arriving ar a bus stop less than a minute before the bus comes, listening to an old favorite song, not having any misquotes bites on your body.