My Last Post

i'm done with this blog. it's too much effort to write posts that i have no interest in writing anymore. it was all good fun in the beginning, when i actually cared, but all i look forward to when writing these is coming up with a good lyrical title. to wrap up my 40th and final entry i want to say one last thing: When people think of me, i want them to think "The pensive and punctual boy."
that is all.

So Won't You Please? Be My Little Baby. Say You'll Be My Darling. Be My Baby Now.

the more and more i listen to old music, the more and more i hate music that's being made now. there are some good artists making now, but the majority are awful. i just love the tonality of old music. they rarely use vibrato in old recordings, and i pretty much hate vocal vibrato. it's not so good, but when it's put on every note it gets very annoying. i can't find any good radio stations whenever i'm in the car. if i started a radio station would anyone be willing to have an hour where you played some good music? i would be so down to do that.
i have no idea what i want. i know i want a good girlfriend, a more-or-less good paying job, only a few friends, and a place that feels like home, but i don't know any specifics. what qualities am i looking for in a girl, what career do i want, and where i want to live all change so much that i feel like i can't make an educated decision on anything anymore. i'm all for thinking out decisions before you commit, but i think there is some validity to choosing intuition over intelligence with these questions. sometimes someone just feels right, and you don't know why.
i can't wait till December 18th. the semester will be over, and i'll start making a lot of money. it will be oh so nice, i won't have an english class again for a long time. i hate writing with a passion now. being taught how to write, beyond grammar and spelling, ruins a person's creativity. i hate defending my opinion with evidence. i can do it, it's just tedious.
poltergeist poltergeist. everybody's welcome everybody's welcome. cadydid and cadydid. tiger tigers tigers tigers. i likey.
i need to start sleeping well, drinking water, and eating three square meals. i too often stay up late, and only drink caffeinated beverages all day. my body is becoming a wreck.
i need mouth water. wooed her.

Just Cause You Feel It Doesn't Mean It's There.

i got back six of my mugs from the glaze fire. it's so exciting, it's my first bounty of the semester, and will probably be my most substantial. i go really slow first off, and we have this assignment that where you have to make a sculpture completely out of thrown objects. it's fun, but it takes forever. i haven't made a pot that wasn't for the project in over a month. it sucks, cause i would much rather be making tea pots and such.
i went to my cousin's wedding in dallas, texas. she was the first kid in the family to get married, so go her. she was 23. it's funny, i remember playing kirby with her when she was less than 10, but she already has a business degree, an apartment in the city, a great job, and now a husband. the wedding was fun though. i got to dance with all my little cousin's, and laugh at all the aunts and uncles trying to still be hip. they didn't play any michael jackson songs though! DJ fail. oh! i caught the garter. it was pretty awesome. of course, i would've been more awesome if i wasn't related to the woman. man, she is realy attractive. i know it's pretty weird, and socially shunned upon to think that your cousin is good looking, but she is. anywho, now i'm going to be in the wedding album, so woot.
my ipod broke. stupid electronics. only one headphone works now (yes, i tried different headphones, it's definitely the ipod). i got the warrenty, so we'll see if they replace it. fingers crossed.
Carly and i and a jam session this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun. we played heartbeats (both the jose gonzales and the knife versions), heartbreaker by mstrkft, and please please please let me get what i want by the smiths. she isn't too good instrumentally, but she can sing, and she's very ambitious and positive about it all, so it's fun. maybe you'll see at perg's in a few months.
school is killing my spirit. i hate english. i actually have already gotten so angry beginning to think about it right now, that i'm not even going to talk about it.
i've been so busy, i don't have time to hang out with anyone. this isn't completely true, because i was able to play mw2 with elijah yesterday, and played with carly, but it feels like i either have a lot of homework to do, or i'm working or in school. what time most people put towards hanging out with people i put towards just relaxing, which i need to do or i get even more stressed out than usual, so i don't have any spare time to just do whatever. i guess that's what winter break is for. hey gracie, talk to me some more, i miss chatting it up.

Why Linger With The Ocean And Sky? And All He Said, "I Can't Breath For You, Or Laugh."

You hear about these villages, filled with these people. simple folk with simple lives. no electricity, no soda, no fluffy mattresses. they grow their own food, raise their meat, it's all manual. I used to think i couldn't ever live in a place like that. i think i was supposed to be born in a place like this. although there is the stress of whether your crops won't yield a sufficient harvest, or other such problems, it sounds like a great life. i wouldn't want to be isolated, i would prefer to have a wife and kids, and possibly a neighbor or two, but not ones whose house i could see from mine. i just get stressed when having to deal with typical societal problems. everyone wants to scam you, exert as much power as they can over you, talk talk talk to you. can't anyone just listen for once? all i do is listen to everyone, i never stop asking them questions. sure, i do find what you're going through interesting, but why don't you ever ask me what's going on with me? and no, only asking me one question, listening to me for a few sentences, and then relating what i said to something that has happened to you, which you go on a 30 minute tangent for, doesn't count as including me. now, if i were a normal, stupid person, i would typically start doubting myself and saying, "well, isn't it selfish to want to start talking about me?" but only self-loathing, unsure-about-themselves, sad people say that. people consider themselves my friends, when all we do is talk about them. and of course, i'll listen. i always listen. what else is there to do? i just want to live with a woman, growing my own food, in the woods. i don't want to be completely cut-off, i would be fine with visiting society, even for entire weekends, i just don't want to be emersed, day-in day-out, in it. because, society, in and of itself isn't a bad thing, for i enjoy many things about it, i just wish i could detatch a bit from it, at least for a while.
i can't stand people who hate themselves. it gets so boring. it's all the same really, just get over it. yes, it's a part of growing up, but that "depression" stage is only suppose to last till your 16. wahh, you won't be the next Tesla, get over it. is it important that anyone remembers you when you die? will you know if anyone remembers you? no, so stop being so sad about how unimportant you are and just live life. it's such a beautiful thing.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. one of the main things i would miss about removing myself from society is listening to music. i can't imagine a life where i couldn't listen to all my favorite bands. humans have learned to live in concentration camps though, so i'm sure i would get by.
i saw birds fled from me yesterday, and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. the show was only an hour or so long, but when it was over, i had to go for a walk. i just had to move, i was so excited. i turned on the smiths and started singing along to the lyrics, not caring if people on the street heard me. i've been doing that a lot recently, or at least whenever i walk to and from school. anyways, the show was great. and here's the funniest thing about it, no one that i knew went! i didn't recognize anyone there. i don't understand, i feel like everyone is a poser (or should i say phony, :P) around here. i mean, if you're sick or doing something else, like, whatever, but everyone talks about how they want to do real things, and hang out with real people. but no one. does. anything. ever. at least that's what. it feels. like. i don.t. know. it'. just. get's really. annoying whe.n people stay home all day.. and complain about how the world doesn'. t. do exactly what the person wants it. todo. and how they want to m.ove away. far away. but they don.t actual.ly take anyy.. steps tow......ard acheiving tha.t goal. and i hope you're seeing. the iron-ee. in all this. because i couldn.t.t.t.t. be any more blatant really.
arbeit macht frei

People Come And Go, And Forget To Close The Door, And They Leave Their Stains And Cigarette Butts Trampled On The Floor.

Whatever happened to people leaving comments on blogs. i never do it, so i guess i'm not one to talk.
chilling with the right people=good. ceramics=good. jazz=good. english=bad. books=good.

In My Life, Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don't Care If I, If I Die?

Who gets to see Morrissey on November 30th with her sister?! this guy! so stoked. unbelievably stoked. i'm skipping some school for it, i don't even care. it's gonna be in Portland, where my sister lives, so that should be cool to visit there. seriously though, now i have another thing to wait for. fuuuuuuck.
Darya was suppose to cut my hair yesterday, but she didn't follow through with the plans we made (wish i could say that was out of the ordinary), so now my hair is still all crazy. i'm actually starting to like the length, even though i told myself i would never let it get long again, but it's been so long since someone cut it that it just looks too out of control. i think i look better with short hair, i especially look more masculine (which is good), but at the same time my hair is finally starting to fall down by the sheer weight of the hair, which looks cool (hooray for run-on sentences (and-unnecesarry-hyphens)). consice sentences, fuck dat shiz.
i'm excited about my pottery. my skills are really coming along, to the point where i'm actually proud to say that my work is mine. the people in my class are crazy assssss bitches at pottery though. i mean, there are some 60-somethings in my class who have been doing pottery their whole lives, and the stuff they make is incredible. the carvings they make into their pots look like a machine did it in how perfect the curves and lines are. but yah, i'm getting pretty good. i made some okay mugs during high-school, but the mugs you could buy at starbucks were better. now, my mugs are better than the ones they sell at starbucks, which makes me happy. progress!
that's all.
I'M SEEING MORRISSEY!

Does The Body Rule The Mind Or Does The Mind Rule The Body ? I Don´t Know...

i can't stand waiting anymore. i feel like all i do is wait for everything. why does everything worthwhile have to take so long? guh.
i've been on a real smiths kick. i've been only listening to them for the past two days. and i'm still not sick of them. the only bummer is i downloaded their discography, but am listening to all their songs on shuffle. so, starting tomorrow i'm gonna listen to the actual albums how they were intended to be listened to. starting with strangeways, here we come, because apparently it's really good. i just love the queen is dead and their self-titled albums so much.
i have no one or anything to take pictures of. life has been so boring lately. i haven't hung out with anyone i've wanted to hang out with for days. i got sushi with gabby yesterday, which would've been amazing, cause i was gonna ask if i could take pictures of her, but then this other guy named mark tagged along and ruined it all. i mean, he was fine and interesting and whatever, but the dynamic shifted. and i didn't want to take any pictures of him.
i wish i could go to my ceramics class tomorrow, it's so much fun. i don't have work till 1, but the ceramic studio is open on fridays from 1 to 4. so inconvenient! it takes me so much longer to do my pots and decorating than everyone else. god, i know i'm in college now, and people have probably taken the class multiple times, but some of these people are KRAZY good. i'm very jealous. gotta keep practicing.
i need something new. i don't know what, but my body is telling me i need change. i need new people, new lifestyles, new activities. i've been feeling anxious week after week for the past few whiles, and i'm starting to think it's how i'm living my life. it's aimless. i need a purpose, and i need one soon.