My Last Post

i'm done with this blog. it's too much effort to write posts that i have no interest in writing anymore. it was all good fun in the beginning, when i actually cared, but all i look forward to when writing these is coming up with a good lyrical title. to wrap up my 40th and final entry i want to say one last thing: When people think of me, i want them to think "The pensive and punctual boy."
that is all.

So Won't You Please? Be My Little Baby. Say You'll Be My Darling. Be My Baby Now.

the more and more i listen to old music, the more and more i hate music that's being made now. there are some good artists making now, but the majority are awful. i just love the tonality of old music. they rarely use vibrato in old recordings, and i pretty much hate vocal vibrato. it's not so good, but when it's put on every note it gets very annoying. i can't find any good radio stations whenever i'm in the car. if i started a radio station would anyone be willing to have an hour where you played some good music? i would be so down to do that.
i have no idea what i want. i know i want a good girlfriend, a more-or-less good paying job, only a few friends, and a place that feels like home, but i don't know any specifics. what qualities am i looking for in a girl, what career do i want, and where i want to live all change so much that i feel like i can't make an educated decision on anything anymore. i'm all for thinking out decisions before you commit, but i think there is some validity to choosing intuition over intelligence with these questions. sometimes someone just feels right, and you don't know why.
i can't wait till December 18th. the semester will be over, and i'll start making a lot of money. it will be oh so nice, i won't have an english class again for a long time. i hate writing with a passion now. being taught how to write, beyond grammar and spelling, ruins a person's creativity. i hate defending my opinion with evidence. i can do it, it's just tedious.
poltergeist poltergeist. everybody's welcome everybody's welcome. cadydid and cadydid. tiger tigers tigers tigers. i likey.
i need to start sleeping well, drinking water, and eating three square meals. i too often stay up late, and only drink caffeinated beverages all day. my body is becoming a wreck.
i need mouth water. wooed her.

Just Cause You Feel It Doesn't Mean It's There.

i got back six of my mugs from the glaze fire. it's so exciting, it's my first bounty of the semester, and will probably be my most substantial. i go really slow first off, and we have this assignment that where you have to make a sculpture completely out of thrown objects. it's fun, but it takes forever. i haven't made a pot that wasn't for the project in over a month. it sucks, cause i would much rather be making tea pots and such.
i went to my cousin's wedding in dallas, texas. she was the first kid in the family to get married, so go her. she was 23. it's funny, i remember playing kirby with her when she was less than 10, but she already has a business degree, an apartment in the city, a great job, and now a husband. the wedding was fun though. i got to dance with all my little cousin's, and laugh at all the aunts and uncles trying to still be hip. they didn't play any michael jackson songs though! DJ fail. oh! i caught the garter. it was pretty awesome. of course, i would've been more awesome if i wasn't related to the woman. man, she is realy attractive. i know it's pretty weird, and socially shunned upon to think that your cousin is good looking, but she is. anywho, now i'm going to be in the wedding album, so woot.
my ipod broke. stupid electronics. only one headphone works now (yes, i tried different headphones, it's definitely the ipod). i got the warrenty, so we'll see if they replace it. fingers crossed.
Carly and i and a jam session this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun. we played heartbeats (both the jose gonzales and the knife versions), heartbreaker by mstrkft, and please please please let me get what i want by the smiths. she isn't too good instrumentally, but she can sing, and she's very ambitious and positive about it all, so it's fun. maybe you'll see at perg's in a few months.
school is killing my spirit. i hate english. i actually have already gotten so angry beginning to think about it right now, that i'm not even going to talk about it.
i've been so busy, i don't have time to hang out with anyone. this isn't completely true, because i was able to play mw2 with elijah yesterday, and played with carly, but it feels like i either have a lot of homework to do, or i'm working or in school. what time most people put towards hanging out with people i put towards just relaxing, which i need to do or i get even more stressed out than usual, so i don't have any spare time to just do whatever. i guess that's what winter break is for. hey gracie, talk to me some more, i miss chatting it up.

Why Linger With The Ocean And Sky? And All He Said, "I Can't Breath For You, Or Laugh."

You hear about these villages, filled with these people. simple folk with simple lives. no electricity, no soda, no fluffy mattresses. they grow their own food, raise their meat, it's all manual. I used to think i couldn't ever live in a place like that. i think i was supposed to be born in a place like this. although there is the stress of whether your crops won't yield a sufficient harvest, or other such problems, it sounds like a great life. i wouldn't want to be isolated, i would prefer to have a wife and kids, and possibly a neighbor or two, but not ones whose house i could see from mine. i just get stressed when having to deal with typical societal problems. everyone wants to scam you, exert as much power as they can over you, talk talk talk to you. can't anyone just listen for once? all i do is listen to everyone, i never stop asking them questions. sure, i do find what you're going through interesting, but why don't you ever ask me what's going on with me? and no, only asking me one question, listening to me for a few sentences, and then relating what i said to something that has happened to you, which you go on a 30 minute tangent for, doesn't count as including me. now, if i were a normal, stupid person, i would typically start doubting myself and saying, "well, isn't it selfish to want to start talking about me?" but only self-loathing, unsure-about-themselves, sad people say that. people consider themselves my friends, when all we do is talk about them. and of course, i'll listen. i always listen. what else is there to do? i just want to live with a woman, growing my own food, in the woods. i don't want to be completely cut-off, i would be fine with visiting society, even for entire weekends, i just don't want to be emersed, day-in day-out, in it. because, society, in and of itself isn't a bad thing, for i enjoy many things about it, i just wish i could detatch a bit from it, at least for a while.
i can't stand people who hate themselves. it gets so boring. it's all the same really, just get over it. yes, it's a part of growing up, but that "depression" stage is only suppose to last till your 16. wahh, you won't be the next Tesla, get over it. is it important that anyone remembers you when you die? will you know if anyone remembers you? no, so stop being so sad about how unimportant you are and just live life. it's such a beautiful thing.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. one of the main things i would miss about removing myself from society is listening to music. i can't imagine a life where i couldn't listen to all my favorite bands. humans have learned to live in concentration camps though, so i'm sure i would get by.
i saw birds fled from me yesterday, and it was one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. the show was only an hour or so long, but when it was over, i had to go for a walk. i just had to move, i was so excited. i turned on the smiths and started singing along to the lyrics, not caring if people on the street heard me. i've been doing that a lot recently, or at least whenever i walk to and from school. anyways, the show was great. and here's the funniest thing about it, no one that i knew went! i didn't recognize anyone there. i don't understand, i feel like everyone is a poser (or should i say phony, :P) around here. i mean, if you're sick or doing something else, like, whatever, but everyone talks about how they want to do real things, and hang out with real people. but no one. does. anything. ever. at least that's what. it feels. like. i don.t. know. it'. just. get's really. annoying whe.n people stay home all day.. and complain about how the world doesn'. t. do exactly what the person wants it. todo. and how they want to m.ove away. far away. but they don.t actual.ly take anyy.. steps tow......ard acheiving tha.t goal. and i hope you're seeing. the iron-ee. in all this. because i couldn.t.t.t.t. be any more blatant really.
arbeit macht frei

People Come And Go, And Forget To Close The Door, And They Leave Their Stains And Cigarette Butts Trampled On The Floor.

Whatever happened to people leaving comments on blogs. i never do it, so i guess i'm not one to talk.
chilling with the right people=good. ceramics=good. jazz=good. english=bad. books=good.

In My Life, Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don't Care If I, If I Die?

Who gets to see Morrissey on November 30th with her sister?! this guy! so stoked. unbelievably stoked. i'm skipping some school for it, i don't even care. it's gonna be in Portland, where my sister lives, so that should be cool to visit there. seriously though, now i have another thing to wait for. fuuuuuuck.
Darya was suppose to cut my hair yesterday, but she didn't follow through with the plans we made (wish i could say that was out of the ordinary), so now my hair is still all crazy. i'm actually starting to like the length, even though i told myself i would never let it get long again, but it's been so long since someone cut it that it just looks too out of control. i think i look better with short hair, i especially look more masculine (which is good), but at the same time my hair is finally starting to fall down by the sheer weight of the hair, which looks cool (hooray for run-on sentences (and-unnecesarry-hyphens)). consice sentences, fuck dat shiz.
i'm excited about my pottery. my skills are really coming along, to the point where i'm actually proud to say that my work is mine. the people in my class are crazy assssss bitches at pottery though. i mean, there are some 60-somethings in my class who have been doing pottery their whole lives, and the stuff they make is incredible. the carvings they make into their pots look like a machine did it in how perfect the curves and lines are. but yah, i'm getting pretty good. i made some okay mugs during high-school, but the mugs you could buy at starbucks were better. now, my mugs are better than the ones they sell at starbucks, which makes me happy. progress!
that's all.
I'M SEEING MORRISSEY!

Does The Body Rule The Mind Or Does The Mind Rule The Body ? I Don´t Know...

i can't stand waiting anymore. i feel like all i do is wait for everything. why does everything worthwhile have to take so long? guh.
i've been on a real smiths kick. i've been only listening to them for the past two days. and i'm still not sick of them. the only bummer is i downloaded their discography, but am listening to all their songs on shuffle. so, starting tomorrow i'm gonna listen to the actual albums how they were intended to be listened to. starting with strangeways, here we come, because apparently it's really good. i just love the queen is dead and their self-titled albums so much.
i have no one or anything to take pictures of. life has been so boring lately. i haven't hung out with anyone i've wanted to hang out with for days. i got sushi with gabby yesterday, which would've been amazing, cause i was gonna ask if i could take pictures of her, but then this other guy named mark tagged along and ruined it all. i mean, he was fine and interesting and whatever, but the dynamic shifted. and i didn't want to take any pictures of him.
i wish i could go to my ceramics class tomorrow, it's so much fun. i don't have work till 1, but the ceramic studio is open on fridays from 1 to 4. so inconvenient! it takes me so much longer to do my pots and decorating than everyone else. god, i know i'm in college now, and people have probably taken the class multiple times, but some of these people are KRAZY good. i'm very jealous. gotta keep practicing.
i need something new. i don't know what, but my body is telling me i need change. i need new people, new lifestyles, new activities. i've been feeling anxious week after week for the past few whiles, and i'm starting to think it's how i'm living my life. it's aimless. i need a purpose, and i need one soon.

I Wanna Tell Her That I Love Her A Lot, But I Gotta Get A Belly Full Of Wine.

24 hours ago i was at a party with over 15 single ladies and i was the only single, straight guy there.
17 hours ago i was having the most painful vomiting experience of my life. why is it that something that causes so much joy causes so much pain at the same time. freaking alcohol.
i talked to this girl named madeline about The Smiths for quite a long time. we had started drinking wine together before the party began. then she took some ecstasy (technically it was just powderized MDMA, which is the active ingredient in ecstasy) and we started smoking together. it was cool though, we both kept on sharing one cigarette, instead of each of us taking our own. she said she loved me multiple times. she was so sweet. we were all sitting on a wodden porch that had a view and we were all talking and laughing. everyone had their conciousness altered somehow. it was such a typical teenager thing to do, it was great. then this girl started to throw up, and i helped by rubbing her back and telling her it was okay. she was all white and pale, but she was okay soon enough. i realized i was one of the oldest people at the party though, and i'm usually the youngest out of groups of people i hang out with, so that was kinda odd. they were all seniors, juniors, or sophomores. darya is going to cabrillo with me, but we were the oldest i'm pretty sure. so weird. i'm swearing off alcohol for a while though. unless gabby and i get sake at i love sushi on wednesday, lol.
my weekends are so long! it's great, and i wouldn't want it back to the old way, but it's also kinda odd. i almost feel like i'm not even going to school. that's probably only because i didn't have any homework this weekend. i just have to enjoy myself instead of trying to look at life like a waiting game. yes, the moments ahead of us will be good, and should be looked forward to, but what's happening in the present is much more important. i think gandalf said something like that once. he's pretty smart. a wizzkid if you will. lawwwlwlwlwlwllwlwl.
i learned yesterday on the guitar last week, which is a song i've been wanting to learn ever since i picked up a guitar. i just finally was near a computer when i remembered the song, and was motivated enough to learn it. i'm happy. and my guitar class is awesome. i'm learning music theory, which is what i've wanted to learn for so long!

You Are Sleeping. You Do Not Want To Believe. You Are Sleeping.

i don't feel like writing in this anymore. it takes too much effort. i don't like the necessary forethought. articulation. it all takes too much effort. see, i just used the same phrase twice. if i actually cared i would change that. and make my sentences longer. screw it.
Cassidy. that's been my life lately. She isn't here, but she will be. in five months or so. i have made her a mixed cd, and ceramic mug, and an eight page letter (single spaced) that i can't wait to give her. she never gets any mail, so i'm sure she'll enjoy it. can't wait till she gets back...
so, there's the application on facebook called farmville that i was playing. basically you plant crops and it takes 24 actual hours (less or more depending on the type of plant it is) for them to grow and you make money and buy bigger land and buildings, blah blah blah. it was basically a way to waste time. well, i hung out with matt last night and he basically said that the game was pointless and i could be spending my time better, and it was so true! i haven't checked it since, and i won't ever again. i'll read a book.
cabrillo is cool. yah. lots of good looking women there. can't help but notice. especially in my ceramics class. josephine=babe
i watched gummo today. it was intense, to say the least. there were quite a few parts that made me sad, cause i feel like the characters could've existed in real life, and stuff like that actually happens to people. i didn't understand the rabbit kid though. who was he? why did he find the dead cat at the end? why was he kissing the girls? i'm glad i saw the movie, but it gives you one of those gut feeling after you watch it.
and i'll update it whenever i feel like it, thank you. bitch.
okay, one more thing before i go. the fog recently...love it. so much. i wish it was always this foggy. like pea soup, as yukon cornelious (sp?) would say. gold. GOLD!!!! and silver. silver and gold.

If You Could Be Told What You Can See Or Read, Then It Follows That You Could Be Told What To Say Or Think.

my recent super caffeine intake is putting me on edge. i haven't been getting enough sleep and i've been working too much, even though it's not that many hours, i'm just used to relaxing all the time. after this weekend i will have worked 35 hours this week. hooray for money i guess. i don't have anything i want to buy though, except for beatles rockband. singing helter skelter and because? i say yes. say yes, good song. even recreating and playing video games is pissing me off. it's bad. hell, even when i was reading i was getting too hot and angry. i was smart enough to switch into shorts and read outside, which was refreshing, but of course i made a cup of tea to go outside with, which only made me feel good for an hour and is now wreaking havoc on me. caffeine doesn't make me hyper, but it does put me in a good mood, and the back of my head hurts and my brain is all muddled without it. dependency on drugs, yay.
i was being trained by a co-worker recently, and she said something that was so insulting it was funny. she was showing me how to clean out the crates the dogs sleep in, and she said you should always keep the fan on so it doesn't stink up. so of course i asked, "where's the switch for the fans?" and this is what she says, verbatim, "oh it's right there. if the switch is up that means they're on, and if it's down it means they're off."........i laughed on the inside pretty hard. she was probably just in that super explaining mode, and i bet somewhere one switch is weird and gets turned on when the switch is down, but seriously? seriously?! so dumb.
i wish i had a calling like jake or geoff or skylar or something. they all know what they enjoy, and what they enjoy has a career that follows it. i don't like anything that you could turn into a job, or at least not enough that i could make a living out of it. cabrillo should be fun, but what am i gonna do with it?? i hope my curiosity gets piqued there, take a class that is so interesting i might dedicate 45 of my only golden years of life to it.
house of leaves is good, but i hate the page long sentences. it's so pretentious of the author, and insults the reader. it's like, "hey, i know no one could hold all of this in their head, but i don't care about my readers, so fuck 'em." i'm not against long sentences as a whole, and i would rather an author assume i'm too smart than too stupid, but does he have to use such meandering, unnecisarry, boring, "beautiful" language? the sentences only happen when one character talks, and sometimes they're good, but a lot of the time i lose concentration halfway through and don't want to start again. it's just annoying and useless.
if you believe in soul mates, then why do you even try? it will just happen regardless of what you do. and if you have a soul mate, but it means that you have to go out and go get them, then they cease to be soul mates. it's just a lame expression used by helpless retards, i mean romantics, who teach their children that they can be whatever they want to be, even if they're held back a year in kindergarten. what am i talking about? i do think children can be whatever they want to be, i am just in a bad mood. damn caffeine and lack of sleep.
i need less people in my life. i dont' have that many, but i still wish i didn't have so many conversations to start and connections to upkeep. societal pressures prevent you from being honest and saying, "you know, i don't really like you. we dont' have anything in common and i don't want to talk to you again." since when have i cared about society? since when has society not dictated everything i do?...what am i talking about? good question. starmen, purple grape blood of emporers, leaves made out of houses (wait.), federer playing tennis with a white pong-esk thing, petra arkanian, tetra-is, n-blox, kathleen, bitch, haha.

And Though I'd Like To Stay, I've Got To Make My Get Away.

a lot has happened since i've last posted, and it's this reason that it has taken me so long to finally make this post, that and because i'm really bored and i have nothing to do at two at night. i've decided though to simply not talk about all the stuff that's happened to me recently except what i actually want to talk about. i will summarize though: camping with harbor friends, got a dog, went to raging waters, got a job (i'll actually probably talk about this), and i can't think of the other stuff.
something really creepy happened to me yesterday. it made me really sad and angry. i decided to pursue ceramics further so i enrolled in a class at a local pottery studio two weeks and a few days ago. the lessons cost me 150 dollars, which is steep for 6 three hour lessons (with unlimitted wheel time during the week though). well, i went camping a wasn't able to make it to my second lesson, and i was bummed cause i felt like i wasted the money. also, the first lesson was frustrating because he taught me techniques i wasn't used to, and i felt like a beginner all over again. so i was thinking to myself ever since i went camping (which was a little under two weeks) that in the grand scheme of things 150 dollars isn't too much money, and i will enjoy the class if i just put myself in the rigth mood or whatever. still, i knew that i just wanted my money back so that i could buy rockband beatles. well, i show up for the third lesson, and guess what i find. an empty parking lot, and a locked up studio with a sign on it. it read "John's Memorial Service August 3rd" John, my instructor, suffered from a heart attack and had died. he died on July 22nd, and i had gotten my first lesson on July 20th. While this man had been dead, i'd been bumming out on this guy, and complaining about it to myself. the sign also said that new students' money will be refunded to them. god, i just felt like shit. the man wasn't overweight, he was probably only in his late 50ths, he seemed energetic enough, and he seemed happy. but there i was, on July 20th taking up the last few hours of his life asking him pointless questions, and him explaining the layout of the studio. it just put everything in perspective. i never want to die. i just want to spend the rest of my life learning and doing nothing but what i want, because life is too short to squander away. if what i want to do is stay inside and play video games all day, so be it, but i just don't want to get a job to get enough money to buy a shitty house and spend the rest of my life paying off debts and my children's tuitions. i just want to sleep in, read all day, drink coffee, and discover music with a woman and nothing else. I read Anthem, by Ayn Rand, in one day, and it happened to be the day i discovered that John had died. if you know anything about Ayn Rand you know that she hates altruism (in it's truest sense, which is the sacrifice of value for nothing) and and advocate of selfishness. her books are so empowering and logical , and the books ends with a man basically setting up a foundation of knowledge with his wife and kids, away from the horrible civilization that he once lived in, with plans to conquer it and bring the smart ones with him. i just want to be that strong, smart, and bold. i just want to stay 25 forever.
so my job is incredible. i'll talk about it fast cause that's what i've been talking about a lot recently. basically i get paid to supervise dogs, make sure they don't hump each other/fight/go to the bathroom everywhere, clean up after them, and mainly, just play with them. my last shift, i came in for the swing shift, so i walked all the big dogs and put them in their crates for the night, and sanitized/washed all the places they played and/or slept in. that was a good two hours of more-or-less hard work, and was legitimate. after that though, all my jobs were basicially done. i had to do some laundry, which you have to wait fourty minutes to finish one load, so while you're waiting you don't have anything to do. some dog owners pay for special treatment for their dog, which includes them sleeping inside a house with a human, instead of in a crate next to all the other dogs, so it's basically my job to play with these few select dogs (which averages around 3) and do laundry for the rest of the time. that means from 6:30 till 10:30 i got paid for watching quentin tarantino movies, petting dogs, and making dinner for myself. i feel like i'm stealing, and it's incredible.
i bought team fortress two for the PC recently, and it's great. it's a first person shooter, but it's a lot different from the other typical shooters. it's much more team oriented, and during each spawn you get to chose from nine different character types to be what class you want. there;s the typical sniper clas, but then there's the engineer, spy, medic, scout, heavy, etc. each class has it's downfalls and upsides, but it's balanced so well that it's been out for three years now and the fan base is still growing. it's my first PC game, so getting use to the keyboard is difficult, but i'm starting to get better. i better though, in the past seven days i've played it 23 hours. so good!
okay, too tired.

It's Good To hear Your Voice, You Know It's Been So Long. If I Don't Get Your Calls Then Everything Goes Wrong.

So there are only so many people in America right? only so many in california, in santa cruz county, at harbor high school. there are only so many kids who are born in the same grade you were, and yet it always seems that the same high school experiences happen to each class. everyone has a best friend, many "fall in love", and practically all experiment with drugs or whatnot. i just think it's the weirdest thing that people have to become friends with who is available to them, yet everyone makes friends! it just shows how you really only have so many options to become as a human, so you're bound to find another who is like you. haha, and yet there are still wars based on racism. humans can be so dull sometimes.
Mr yanaki came down from conchord yesterday. that was fun, although i didn't really do much myself. the orange cream soda was really what made that day good, if i hadn't have gotten it then i wouldn't gotten hot and pissed off. i saw emma there, albeit shortly, so that was pretty cool. i think it's funny that i hadn't seen her in monthsss and then i see her twice within a week.
how can people have not read harry potter who are within a decade of my age? if not only to keep up with pop culture, and mainly because they are a fun read. i think everyone agrees that the writing isn't amazing, but it's a fun story, that, no matter who you are, you can find at least one character to relate too, or want to see destroyed. and not doing something because everyone else is is the worst reason to not do something.
HOLY SHIZ! i freaked out today, or i technically yesterday! i played scrabble a few hours ago and on my first turn, and only the second turn of the game, i used all of my letters!! first time ever doing it! i freaking jumped out of my chair and starting yelling "HOLY CRAP!" i had trouble putting the tiles down, haha. i had the word manager and attatched it to my friend and oppenent's "S" so i spelled managers. it was an incredible moment. it touched a triple word score too, so that one word gave be 86 points. i was stoked.
i have an interview for a job tomorrow at one, and i really hope i get the job. it's at a doggy daycare place called "bed and biscuits" and it sounds perfect. i wouldn't have to deal with humans, one of my jobs is just cleaning crates (which i can do while listening to my ipod), it's near my house, they prefer to only give part-time, and i know they want people who are willing to work once school starts (which i am). i'm pretty sure i'll get the job, i just have to be pleasant, articulate, and answer well.
i start a pottery class next monday. it's gonna be a class every monday for six weeks from 6pm-9pm, and the option to come any weekday from 1pm-5pm for free time to do whatever you want. it's 150 bucks, which is coming out of my pocket, but it's something that i might want to pursue with my life, so it should be a heap and a barrel of hoots and hollers. looking forward to outfitting our entire cabinets with handmade bitchin' mugs, and hooking up my friends with nice china. or does it have to be made of something else to be china? either way.
frank sinatra had a good voice. i bet he would have been one of my favorite singer/songwriters if he was famous nowadays, and his voice didn't instantly sound cliche because of all the posers. there are just so many other people to listen to now. i love his song My Way, the lyrics are powerful, albeit slightly arrogant.

When Things Go Wrong I Sing Along, It Is The Nature Of The Business. But You're Not Here To Make My Sad Songs More Sincere.

I might actually get a job finally! my brother's girlfriend is working at bed and biscuits, which is a doggy daycare center, and she says they're hiring new people, and i've talked to the owner and i picked up an application today. apparently they only give five hour shifts, but that actually might be nice, get in and out and have a size-able amount of a day to actually do stuff. also, i wouldn't have to deal with customers or humans all that much, just dogs and whatnot. perfect. i also applied to longs and they're starting to hirer again, so i can follow up with a phone call, and i learned you can apply online to whole foods. hopefully in a week and a half i'll be trading my limited time on this earth for nickels and dimes!
geezus, katie be hella hitting on me at shelby's birthday. i'm not dumb, when you watch me play tetris and lay down touching next to me, you're trying to do something. i don't get girls sometimes, she doesn't even know me, why was she doing that stuff? i guess gracie said she be sleezy or whatever. it was nice though, cause she is very attractive. hah.
i got to the second disc of ff8 and my playstation is reading the second disc. it's like, "please insert second disc" so i do it, then it just goes black and nothing happens. so frustrating, i want to play more!
i've decided that i've been 18 for a while, and the fact that i don't have my license is pathetic, so i've started driving around whenever i go anywhere now. it's only been four or so days, but i think i'm ready to take the test. i just want a freaking california state ID, and the ability to go on road trips without having to find rides or waiting for the other person to show up. it's been saving me a lot of money to not have a license though, considering gas, insurance, the actual car itself, and all the other types of maintanence. still, i want to always have the thought that, if things get too crazy and i get too stressed on life, i can just leave and never come back. it's a comforting thought.
i need a mouse so i can play tf2. screw playing with a touch pad. ugh, i should probably drive to best buy...blah

The Black Will Be White, And The White Will Be Black, But The Blues Are Still Blue

I dislike photographers. they think they're so cool and that they're unique and brilliant, and so few of them are. that's the thing about photography, it doesn't take any skill, you just have to have good ideas. there are a few tricks to learn, but the process of actually taking a picture doesn't take any expertise, just point and shoot. and it's so simple to take good pictures of people, just get really close to them and put them at the bottom right hand of the screen, and tell them to look off into the distance to the left. make it black and white and now you're an artist. and it's lame that people spend all their money on expensive cameras when they've never even taken a roll of film before in their life. i just wish i didn't find photography so fun. i'm just sick of all the phonies.
i need to force myself to read. i like it so much, but it's so much easier to play a video game, and i just gotta stop myself.
blah, i don't have anything much to say, i just didn't want to forget the title to the blog entry by the time i was actually gonna have something to say.
hanging out with darya was rad, i just wish i wasn't so awkward sometimes. i did learn a new card game called the lemon which is awesome and is a two player game, which there aren't many of. we watched deathproof, which was the Quentin Tarentino movie that was in grindhouse. the beginning story was good, but the story about the girls getting the car and ditching their cheerleader friend with a rapist was so dumb. so really, only the first half was interesting. i got such a bad sunburn hanging out at the beach with her. it's still red, but luckily the pain went away today. mmmm melenoma.

A Cup Of Tea She Would've Meant To No One. A Cup Of Tea She Would've Meant To Me.

Two blog entries in two consecutive days?! what!?
i was hanging out with elijah, billy, and this other person i just met named harry (which is a horrible name) today and it was eye opening. Billy was saying how he wanted a tattoo of a celtic cross big enough so that he could tattoo a portrait of his four sibling on each of the points of the cross, and i said, "that's stupid." and he punched me hard in the elbow. he instantly said sorry, laughed, and said i could punch him back, but it wasn't about the punch at all. my brother was talking recently about how he doesn't like hanging out with a lot of friends and he didn't want to hang out with them anymore, which has been happening to me a lot as well, and he articulated what we both thought so well. he said that he couldn't learn anything from the fake friends he had, that he had no way to look up to them and that they were just people who liked to do the same things that he liked to do. i don't think i have anything to learn from billy and i don't want to hang out with him. that sounds really pretentious, which is an overused blog word, but if i'm gonna spend my precious time on people i don't want it to be sacrifice, i want it to be valuable to me. cause let's face it, like bob dylan said, "those not busy being born are busy dying," and i don't want to spend something so valueable as my life on something i don't enjoy in any aspect.
I know you don't read this blog (if you do please comment my myspace or whatever, so that i know you do read it from time to time), but i just want to say i'm sorry Matt Anderson. you give me so many CD's and i barely listen to any of them. i was listening to my library two hours ago on random and If You're Feeling Sinister came up by belle and sebastian, and now i'm already in love with the CD. Since i know you're reading this download the CD Gracie, it's amazing! listening to the song the album is named after, it's incredible. so yes, sorry for being so lame and not watching you're movie or music you gave me instantly.
you probably don't read this blog anymore, but if you do, it's not because i don't want to talk to you that i'm not putting forth any effort to communicate, i'm just irrational and sometimes don't respond to myspace messages cause i just don't "have the energy" to respond to them instantly and then forget. so yah, sorry for that erika :/ . to be honest though, i was getting fed up at prom because you were being all melodramatic with jane, even though we both agreed to go as friends. and then, when you grabbed my arm with your nails, it actually really hurt and pissed me off. now you're all like, oh sorry, but don't be, again, it's not because of these inconsequential things that i'm not talking to, i'm just consistently lethargic and dumb, and i had fun during prom overall. i'm just glad we all went to santa cruz diner afterwards, cause that coffee cheered me up, as usual. i'm an addict, it's true.
Gracie, you're rad, stop saying you're undateable and ugly, or stupid shit like that. i'm sure that they were just fleeting thoughts, but those shouldn't even be entertained cause you know it's not true, and you just want to feel bad about yourself, cause it's easy and makes you feel like you don't have to try. you're freaking hilarious, have good taste in just about everything, and are easy to talk to, so just shut up and stop feeling bad about yourself.
Emma, you make me angry, and you probably don't read this stuff anyways. when we were going out, and some time afterwards, i loved you because you were the perfect fulfillment of all the ideals i held true. i've matured a lot since then though, and now you just make me sad. you're so smart, sharp, up to date on your lame video game and internet lulz, have a good taste in music, but you just use people. you go from one person to the next using them till they give you who they are, then you check them off your list of people to be in with, dispose of them, and then expect them to be your friends afterwards. or at least you do that to people you date. blah blah blah, you don't take anything i say seriously anymore, and like i said, you probably don't read this.
none of you guys asked for any advice or "shoutout" or whatnot, but to be honest, one of the main reasons why people follow blogs are to check if they are referenced or talked about, so i'm sick of beating around the bush.

Heather Heather, We Belong Together. Like Sex And Violence. Like Death And Silence.

I think of myself as someone who is awkward in social situations, and only has a few friends, and is inconsiderate of other people's feelings. lately though, i've just been feeling the love of other people towards me, and it feels really great. i probably am not that awkward when talking to people i don't know too well, but i just really hate it, so i feel like because of that i act oddly. i went to a friend's bonfire last night, and i've hung out with the girl probably a total of three times. each time was pretty awesome, i.e. san francisco trip and drive up highway one, but there hasn't been much facetime, so i didn't think she liked me too much. well, two hours into the bonfire a friend of hers showed up and she introduced me to her. i know she had a shot of whisky and two beers in her, but she said that i was an amazing person and that i was really special and that her friend should remember how nice i am. the fact that those feelings lay dormant in her just really made me feel good. same thing with my sister lately. we don't really agree on ideals, and we probably got in our first real fight that lasted around three bitter months. well, when she came back to visit just a week ago, me and her talked everything out and we both got really angry again, but we actually worked everything out, and i feel like i have my sister again. it's awesome. and my best friend elijah bought me twenty bucks worth of xbox live points two days for absolutely no reason! i just love everyone, and i wished everyone could feel like i do, and know the people i know.
father's day was pretty great today. the three children took dad out to carpo's and then went to a shooting range afterwards. my dad said he was really proud of all of us, cause we were all so mature and independent (i realize he was talking to only rachel and josh then, but it still felt good that he directed that at all three of us), and that he's so happy he's our dad. it had been probably a year since i had last shot, but i wasn't as rusty as i thought i would be. it was funny, we bought shooting papers that had big zoombies on them. so, in essence, we were shooting at zombies. haha. my first shot was at seven yards, and i was aiming for his eye, and i hit the white of his eye. it felt really good. after josh and i had shot twelve rounds each at seven yards we did it at fifteen, and i wasn't as bad as i thought i was. the highlight was when we shot one handed at the zombie at fifteen feet. we were aiming for his teeth and i managed to hit his neck and cheek with two of the four shots. the zombie's name is chuck, and he's hanging on my wall now.
i can't wait to hang out with darya on tuesday and go up highway one. the plan is to leave at ten and go until we get to a place where we can buy lunch and find a good beach. we're bringing bathing suits just in case, and i'm bringing coffee in a thurmos for the drive. i wish i was lying on the sun caked sand right now, feeling my blood pooling and warming in my fingers. i don't know why, but i enjoy the ride to places sometimes more than the place itself. i just like sitting down, talking, and watching the world pass me by. hell, i enjoy doing that figuratively.

I Have Planned My Grand Attacks. I Will Stand Behind Their Backs With My Brand New Battle Axe And Will They Taste My Wrath.

Graduation day was one of the best days of my life. first off, i never have to go back to high-school, i got my hearing back when i shouted for my friends when they received their diplomas, i got to go to grad night with a bunch of my favorite people, i said what i wanted to say to all those people, i won an Ipod during the raffle, and i got the laptop i am typing on. so good.
I have been spending all my spare time this past week and two days playing the drums on rockband 2. i'm borrowing it from a friend and it's incredibly addicting. i beat every song on hard difficulty yesterday, and i started on expert today. it's starting to get pretty intense, and i feel like i'm actually becoming competent. i get to show off my skills tomorrow probably, because when the harbor friends congregate it seems like we always play rockband. i'm down.
i just realized how much i truly disliked someone from my past today. in fact, in the past two hours. she just uses people and it sickens me. she thinks she's so antisocial and that no one likes her, but everyone wants to hang out with her and she knows it. she can't be happy with what she has. or who she has for that matter. i'm sure whoever is reading this who's a girl is probably thinking, "is he talking about?" answer: YES!
i hung out with a kid a few days ago who i haven't chilled with for a while now, and i realize now why it's been so long. it's odd, he's a real nice person, and i wish the best for him, but i just can't stand him. i feel like he always talks about himself, and he can't concede anything he doesn't believe in, he talks the talk but it seems like he doesn't ever walk as well as he says as he can walk. he's just changed a lot these past few months cause he started smoking too much pot and i'm just over it, but he just keeps wanting to hang out with me. it seems like everyone who i don't want to hang out with want to hang out with me. i don't get it. that might sound narcissitic, and it probably is, and it isn't very true either, but that's what it has been feeling like lately.
i stole this from ansel adams but this is what i want my epitaph to be:
He lived for better or worse, but he died for good.

Something Filled Up, My Heart With Nothing. Someone Told Me Not To Cry.

My friend just gave me a live album of the arcade fire that i had never heard before, and it's awesome. there are new versions of songs that i love, like wake up and vampire forest fire, and they even play Born On A Train which is a cover of the magnetic fields! it's so incredible to learn that your favorite band listens and respects your other favorite band. let's just say i'm more than happy that my friend let me have the CD.
i wish 00 had finals every day, cause i love not having to go to school till 10:30. of course, i'm going to college next year, so i could just set up my schedule to be that way. woo.
the screening of all the best video production movies made, including the 20 minute one that our whole class was involved in, went very well. it was a hoot. only, having to watch the other class go first was utter agony. so for the class i was involved in, when we boiled down all our best movies there was 18 for the whole year. for the other class there were five, and three of them were complete crap. there was one sheriff one that i liked, but a lot of it was boring. i'm just happy that even though i joined during the second semester, i was in three of the 18 movies, and two of three i was the director. the 20 minute movie that geoff and i wrote the bulk of the screenplay for was definitely unfinished, and there were some parts i hung my head at because things were missing, but considering we got the assigning six weeks ago, and we ended with that was incredible. i'm actually really proud of it, and when i talked with people after the screening they understood the story and said they really enjoyed it. definitely getting an A in that class.
i got a pull up bar from a garage sale. time to get buff.

Come disconnect the dots with me poppet. It's so beautiful.

my ears. my ears. i have been sick since two wednesdays ago, which (if you count today) is 12 days long. i was bedridden for five days which, whenever i felt well enough, i would play the world ends with you. now it feels like i'm at the top of the hill you need to pass on your way from santa cruz to san jose. whenever i step on the ground, especially when my heels hit first, my ears pound (try and notice that the next time you step, cause maybe i never noticed before) and i can't hear the television unless the tv is way up, my ipod runs out of battery faster, and i can't hear my family talk when i chew my food. and it's been like this for twelve days straight. fluid is leaking out of my left ear, which i'm happy about, but it's annoying when it acts up during class. very annoying.
i made a mug for everyone in my family, and i just got them all back from the glaze kiln today. i'm so excited to give them to everyone, i hope they love them and use them everyday. all the handles of the cups were made with the same tool, so all the handle strips look the same, but each handle is different, as are the color of each cup. i hope rachel doesn't read this before i send hers in the mail for her birthday, because that would ruin the surprise. of course, if i really wanted to keep it secret then i wouldn't have written what i just did. oh well. agh, i've made so much art this year. photo and ceramics all year, and woodshop plus video production a semester each. i want to put it all in one big heap at the end of the school year and take a picture of it. i'm proud of a lot of it actually, and i realized i'm much more artistic than i believed. i'm not boasting cause i didn't think i had any talent at all. i want to be a potter now. i love it so much. whoever says it's relaxing obviously has never worked with clay before, so you shouldn't listen to them ever, cause it's a very tense art. you're whole body has to be stressed and still while making the pot. now, it's very relaxing and amazing once you're finished, or once you have left the studio, and you feel great about it, which is why i love it so much, but it's not relaxing while you're doing it. like a massage. kinda.
my brother found a three month xbox live subscription that was unused at the dump and it totally worked. i'm stoked. now i don't have to spend twenty bucks on something i wasn't sure i wanted to spend twenty bucks on to begin with.
our water boiler/tea maker thing doesn't automatically stop heating the water once it gets to a certain temperature anymore. it sucks. i was thinking though, and i guess it isn't a big deal, but i'm not sure. it originally heated our water to right when it boiled, but it keeps going right, but can't water only get to the heat of boiling? it if could get any hotter than boiling, that would mean that some water vapor is colder than water liquid, which is impossible, because if water only turns to vapor when it's molecular bonds can't hold themselves together because the atoms are moving so fast from the heat, and once they do that you can't heat it up anymore, because it has already turned into a vapor. i probably just confused you, but hopefully not. but then why does the water get hotter? is it because only the top portion of the water was boiling when it stopped originally, but now all of the water is getting boiling hot? or could it be the build up of hot water vapor that's released into the room when i open the water boiler when i'm making tea that makes the room only seem hotter? i guess it would have to be the first one, cause that makes sense. when you boil water for pasta or whatever, the water can't all get that hot at the same time, cause it takes a while for heat transfer to happen. and if it did all get boiling hot then the whole pot would be full of water one second, and then empty the next, which next happens. either way, we need a new one.
i learned yesterday that i made a mixed cd for someone a while ago, and they were listening to it with another person, and that other person asked my friend to make a copy of my mix because he liked it so much. for some reason that made me feel very good about myself. i love it when anyone listens to something you make them, or appreciate a good book that you recommend to them, or agree with you on a political outlook because you both came to the same logical conclusions the same way, or your friend likes the art you made them. it just feels good to be accepted sometimes, even if you know it's not that important.
i got a fortune cookie that said i would have ten million wives one day. today is not one day.

I'm Waiting For The Night To Fall, I Know That It Will Save Us All.

I'm so restless right now. my hands are really dry and even when i wash them with soap they become even drier than before. and i don't got no lotion. or satisfaction. the hand problem mixed with my neck hurting, no book to read, and getting a game over in my video game and knowing i'm gonna have to do a dunguon i almost completed all over again, i'm just in a bad mood.
god, the beginning to Halo by Depeche Mode is so 80's and so good! the whole song is good actually. So one of my friends is getting shipped off to Arizona, and i'm bummed. that's a lie, she's already there. she won't be back for nine months, and she can't even mail letters. luckily she can receive them though, but only on rare occasions. i wrote her an eight page letter last night (hand-written) but i want to write more, or maybe draw her something. i don't know quite yet, i got till may 8th to finish the letter.
I don't think i would mind being imprisoned for life, but only if it were a little more comfortable. replace the 8x8 cell and replace it with a 20x20 cell with work out equipment, a desk/typewriter/infinite amount of paper, a really comfortable bed, some music instruments, and all the books in the world and i would be happy. hell, i think i would be fine minus the music instruments and just a few books. oh, and a coffee machine. gotsta have my coffee.
i was with my friend roughly three years ago, and we were in his mom's car and the three of us were driving in traffic ridden downtown san francisco. i brought my cd's with me, and i popped in some miles davis and his mom tripped out. she instantly was like, "no no no no no, i don't like jazz, it stresses me out." i am still confused.
i think if i could change one aspect of my life, i would change the fact that i didn't beat up enough kids when i was a kid. enough being absolutely none. i've never been in a fight, and it peeves me. i would never fight anyone, and violence is the last resort of the incompetent, but i wish i didn't believe this and that i could make someone bleed (Asimov). PARENTHETICAL CITATION!!! i'm of course lying, which is most of what i do on this blog anyways. i hate when authors say that, so much. what's there to believe in this world anymore!
i have to write a satire in english class and it's so lame. whenever i hear the word satire i think of human goats, which i believe are called satyr, but if these are some other animal from the waste down it doesn't matter, cause i think of goats regardless. i don't have anything ironic or informative to say about anything, and i don't want to think of anything. here's satire for you, suck my dick! ahhhh, that would be so great to turn that in to a teacher. it would have to be in the biggest font possible that would allow you to put it on the whole page, and then you would have to staple that page inbetween two pages that look legit, and are filled with regular sentences. the look would be priceless.
Clap Do Your Make Hands Say Say Think Yah!
goodnight.

Tigers Tigers Tigers Tigers. Cadydid And Cadydid.

the "alt" button came off on my computer keyboard. now all there is is the little black, plastic nipple surrounded by now useless plastic. stupid "repair shop," ruining my computer.
it was one o'clock in the morning, and i had brushed my teeth and done all the prep for going to sleep, but once in my bed i was too restless to actually go to sleep. so i just listened to the whole entire Sung Tongs album by animal collective. then it took me thirty minutes to finally go to bed after that. what was weird, is that i was listening to the album, and when it ended i still could hear the music playing. it must've been at least three minutes until i realized i wasn't actually listening to anything, and all the music was coming from my head. i've had stuff like this happen to me before, like when i'm on the bus and the music ends and i don't realize that the music has stopped, but all the times like this i just thought it was taking a long time for the next song to load. last night though i actually came up with my own unique music, though i don't remember at all what it sounded like. i feel as if i've been exposed to a side of animal collective no one will ever even be able to experience except for myself. it's odd.
i can't help but looking at 10-14 year olds like humbert humbert does. i finished Lolita a few days ago, and it's changed my whole view on young girls. it's extremely disturbing. i'm convinced more than ever that pedophilia is wrong, and i know that i would never ever do anything to little girls or anything, but i can't help but think, "i wonder if that girls a nymphet..." i hope this habit fades, cause whenever i do it i feel really perverted. it's amazing how much books influence me.
in my government class my teacher has a few famous quotes by famous people above his white board, and one of them especially stuck out for me. Aristotle said it, and it goes like this: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." and i think it's very true.
i don't think rape is that big of an offense. this might be becuase i've never had sex, so i don't know how "meaningful" it is, but it's just using our body what it's made for. it's definitely a bad thing, but i don't see, at least on a purely physical level, how it's any different from someone beating you with his/her fists. you can use hands to create, or you can you use them to destroy. when you use them to destroy, such as beating your wife or another person, i'm not sure, but it's my impression that you might only go to jail for under a few years, and that's only if it's really bad. but if you use your penis destructively you can go to jail for multiple decades, and you'll probably be killed by prison inmates for doing it. it's bad, horrible, terrible, whatever, i get that, but is it SO much different that if you compound rape with murder you run the chance of being put to death? that doesn't seem right to me.
i don't do this much anymore, but back in sophomore year, and the first semester or junior year, i used to imagine me sneaking a gun into school and shooting people. have i already talked about this in my blog? i forget. if i have, and you've already read my talking about it then you can just disregard the following paragraph. whenever i would imagine myself with gun (usually a handgun, though sometimes a shotgun) i would think of how it would affect people. for example, i was in the farthest back seat in my history class and i would consider things like, "if i shot michael in the head at this angle where would the blood splatter? probably all over Ali, but of course Ali wouldn't die. would she need to go to therapy? would she tell her children about how she actually had a class with the kid who went into a murderous rampage and killed numerous kids at harbor high?" or i would think about what angle i could shoot myself while still keeping myself alive, and i would think of how it would affect each student, and how much publicity harbor high would get, and about the detectives who would try to figure out why i would kill msyelf, and about the detectives wife, and how she never gets to see her husband because he's obsessed with his work. i would create these elaborate stories and scenarios and exaggerated reactions, but they would always start with me and a gun in class. i did this just to kill time (no pun intended) but i wonder if anyone else thinks these kinds of things.
i think there are two things that separate young adults from children.
1. when you're a child everything is a mystery waiting to be discovered, understood, and integrated into our lives. when you're a young adult you realize how disappointing humanity is, and how little satisfaction you actually get from discovering new things, and how disgusting some of things you found out are.
2. when you're young you actually think you're unique, and that all the feelings and experiences you're going through have never happened to anyone but you. when you're a teenager you realize that's impossible to do anything but conform. (as a side note, this is why i hate pretentious, punk-as-fuck douche bags. don't you understand that ALL of you have dirty hair, ripped pants with patches, and biased hate towards democracy!)
i was in L.A. at Venice Beach with my friend over spring break, and i saw a small group of kids, and every last one of them was all decked out in American Apparel. i looked at myself and i had pretty much the same clothes on that they did. it reminded me of a brief conversation that i had with my sister's friend Tosh. we were talking about how all the hipsters have American Apparel, or i should say he was talking about it, and i commented that he had one of their sweatshirts on to which he snidely replied, "Nope, i found this one at a yard sale, and it's [not american apparel]." i smiled and said nice, or something like that, but once i got home i realized how stupid that is. if anything you're worse than all the people who admit that they like to look similar to hipsters, because you are simply a fake imitation of what you despise, and you can't admit to yourself, or simply have the courage, to just go and buy an actual american apparel sweater. psshhhhhh. i'm tired. rired. fired. knired.
NEways, time to end this too-long-of-a-post/big-waste-of-time/blog-that-no-one-reads/blah-blah-blah

Hey There Mister Blue, We're So Pleased To Be With You.

I hate the sun. what's it good for anyways? i mean, come on, those sea creatures that live off the thermal energy emitted from underwater volcanoes don't need it, so why should I? also, being a rogue planet (or asteroid, if you will) would be awesome. god though, it was so hot today! Tim always says i'm stupid for liking the rain and cold weather, but this is why. what's worse is my house doesn't have air conditioning. ugh.
I've learned one thing from Lolita: having sex with children is the bees knees. nymphet please. gross gross gross.
I'm in the music mood where i'll start a song, then twenty seconds later i'll be switching the song cause i'll get bored of the song instantly. this is how i keep myself up late at night, this and Facebook IM'ing, which is crap.
it would cost me ninety five dollars for me to give a local screen printing company my design and have them print for me twelve shirts. it's only five dollars per shirt, but there's a twelve shirt minimum. that doesn't count the money i have to spend on t-shirts either. would anyone be willing to pay me eight dollars to silk screen an animal collective design on one of their shirts?
a stupid mosquito is running into the light bulb above my computer. i bet you he's pretty happy with his life though. it's actually not a mosquito, but a mosquito eater, which in fact doesn't even eat mosquito. they actually only live twenty four hours. they are technically flies and there only job is to have sex and die. they don't even have stomachs, because they don't eat any food. the things you learn in First Responder class...
i want to type something here, but it would take too much time to write down exactly what i want to say, and word it correctly, so i'm just gonna cut to the chase (shouldn't it be: cut to the kill?); my video production class decided to do make a movie together, as in all twenty students, and we all came up with ideas and voted/debated democratically about which premise we should use for the movie we'll be making and eventually my idea was chosen out of eleven others. bitches.
Simple Pleasures: knowing that someone actually likes this silly little epitaph, farting quietly, correctly guessing which side a coin will land on, getting a complex math problem right the first stab at it, accidental alliteration, plugging electronics in the right way while in the dark, critical hits, preemptive attacks, level ups, secret weapons, extra dungeons, hidden treasures, solving a difficult riddle.

give me strength, reserved control. give me heart and give me soul.

i have so many good ideas for movies, and i'm in a video production class, but all of them involve a good amount of effort that i need to put into movies that are actually required of me in the class. all the movies i'm making i have to work with someone on too. i hate collaborating. i don't need to bastardize my idea just because you think it would be better your way. think of your own idea before you critique mine.
i don't like coldplay's new stuff but i keep coming back to "a rush of blood to the head" and it's still so good. actually, i guess i haven't listened to viva la whatever, but i listened to X&Y quite a bit and i was unimpressed, other than the "fix you" and "speed of sound" songs.
i have been playing this new DS game i got called Etrian Odyssey ever since saturday, and i must've logged over 15 hours into it. the game doesn't have a timer on it, and i think it's for a reason. if it did have a counter, it would show that it took you (i'm guessing) 60 hours or more to beat one DS game (the average running around 20). it's just an RPG, but it's made for people who have been playing RPGs their whole lives. there are no tutorials, you get one shot by every miniboss in the game, you have to start level grinding on the first stage, you have to build every dungeon map yourself (which is crucial, otherwise you get lost and die), and you are in your first dungeon within three minutes of pressing the "New Game" button. i love it. it's intense.
two jumps in a week i bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?
english class is so disappointing. the teacher never teaches anything new, she only teaches you everything you already know about how to write a persuasive essay. and we have to make posters. i'm an adult, i don't need to make an art project in my english class anymore, i'll make a power point if you need to me to present something to the class. there is so much potential for english teachers to make the class interesting, like the metamorphosis! we read that, but instead of doing something cool, like delving into what kafka was really talking about, we had to take six quotes from the short, put them in chronological order, then illustrate the scene described. i'm bad at drawing, if i wanted to draw i would take drawing/painting! i wish there wasn't a curriculum and that she would just talk with you about your individual free reading books, cause my english teacher is actually really poignant and interesting. oh well.

You can rely on the old man's money, you can rely on the old man's money.

i've been putting off this blog entry for weeks. every time i do something interesting, or slightly memorable, i try to make a mental note to put it in my blog. now that it's actually time to write it though i've forgotten everything i wanted to remember. i guess it doesn't really matter though.
i hate saying the same story over and over again to different people, so i'm not gonna go in to detail: Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger is really boring (though his writing style is great), Lolita is great but perverted, Ratatat live was probably the best experience in my whole life up to this point, went to San Francisco with Payton and he ended up in the hospital due to food allergies, visited my friend in Los Angeles for three days, took three trains and five buses to and from home, listened to Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven two times all the way through, learned that you retain more of what read while listening to music without lyrics than reading in silence, realized (yet again) that it's impossible not to conform and lastly, i beat Henry Hatsworth and the Puzzling Adventure for the DS (which was ridiculous and had a harsh but fun learning curve).
i hate things that are artsy just to be artsy...or movies that are about The Holocaust due to the fact that it's so easy to elicit an emotion when human dies just because he was born a certain way. i hate learning about racism in school. i wouldn't mind if we went over concentration camps of jews, japanese, the raping and conquering of the native americans (look at the verbs i used, school breeds contempt of mother country), enslavement of african-americans and whatnot just once, but we talk about it every history class it seems. also, we only talk about the bad things the "white man" has done. i'm not trying to minimize what the "white man" has done, but other people have been racist pigs too. even recently. around two years ago some Dutch man made a sketch of osama bin laden with a bomb on his head, and i believe it was published in a newspaper in a comic strip. well, this was cause for outrage and mass protests went under way. so intense were these protests that people actually died during them. these same people have strapped bombs to themselves, walked into jewish temples and blown themselves up, out of pure hatred and religious brainwashing. then even more recently Israel and Hamas agreed upon a ceasefire, which Isreal obeyed, but Hamas did not. Hamas kept bombing the Gaza strip, and after months Israel finally retaliated. guess who the media gets mad at? the jews, of course. but no, we must focus on all of the bad things we've done, we must feel guilty, dispicable, and bad for ourselves. we must curse ourselves for being white, for having the history of oppression. anarchists get mad at you while taking the 17 highway bus home after 10 hours in transit from LA simply because you can't feel her pains due to your skin color. i'm white, and i don't give a fuck. rant rant rant *sigh*
i enjoy reading and playing video games, but i hate making myself do them. even my nice hobbies and past times have become chores it feels like. once i have started it's fun, but i hate getting out of bed in order to pick up my book. i realize i'm lazy, but i think there's more to it. i think it all has to do with my recent superfluous-friend-hiatus. i don't want to do anything i don't want to do in my free time, and i think i over analyze even how i relax and waste my day away. now i'm analyzing how i over analyze :/
i'm gonna write a short story for you, my reader.

i'm going to kill myself tomorrow. i'm going to grab a knife and stab myself twice, on both insides of my neck. air bubbles popping and a soft gargling would be heard in the adjacent bedroom, if not i had the whole house to myself, just as planned. of course, you don't believe me do you? you realize this is a fake short story. you started reading this with your own preconceived notions, morals, and ideas about how a adolescent short story should play out. so it doesn't really matter what i write, it doesn't really matter what i try to convey, portray, or display. it's all a bunch of crap, because no individuality can be attained. everyone has a beating heart, everyone has gotten their ideas from their parents parents parents, everyone wishes their life was easier, and no one can say "i am what i am." and that's why i'm going to grab a knife and stab myself twince, of both insides of my neck.

i hate when you get dehydrated and the back of your neck hurts.
won't anyone hang out with me, i'm lonely. lies, people have been trying to hang out with me, and i've been doing a lot lately, i just want a girlfriend, but every girl i know i don't want to go out with, or has said no to me. i love to whine. wine, why-nuh,,,,,,
Simple Pleasures: nobody cares

Like A Cat Tied To Stick That's Driven Into Frozen Winter Shit.

do i hang out with really flaky people, or am i just not a priority, cause i get people bail on the plans they make with me so often. this friday elijah said he would come over but he didn't and still hasn't called me to tell me why, and today angelique said we would hang out but she never called me back when she told me she would. and i know darya has flaked a few times. it's just so frustrating! if you would just call and tell me we're not gonna be able to hang out then i can at least make other plans, and it's not like it takes any effort to do that either.
i talk more than my teacher does in government class, it's funny. everyone is just so gosh darn liberal, and have the wrong idea about conservatives. it's not just kids in my school either, i think emma asked me to join a group that was something like, "hannity has a small big head, let's put it on a pike" or something like that. i mean, i understand it's a joke and stuff, but i have a feeling if i started a group that was like, "obama has a small big head, let's lynch that fool" it would be an outrage. and it's simply a stupid group, cause i bet no one has evvvvvver listened to any of his shows, they just heard he's a "radical" republican from other biased medias. also, since so many people are liberals, and kids never have to defend what they say, they really have no idea why they believe what they believe.
i'm reading crime and punishment by Dostoyevsky, and it's all about this man who kills two people. he kills them because he has the belief that it's okay for some very few and extraordinary people to, in order to achieve something great, do whatever it takes to achieve what they were born to do, whether that entails them killing someone or not. he believes there are two categories of people: 1. the ordinary people (the inferiors) who are simply here to make sure there are enough human beings on the planet and to give birth to the other category of people. 2. the extraordinary (the superiors) who are the very very few humans who actually come up with something new and further the human race. the second group is so rare to come by, and they are so crucial to all of humanity, that it is there right to do whatever they need to in order to accomplish all that they can. they don't have an obligation to exercise these above the law powers, but they do have the rights, at least in the eyes of the main character in the book. reading this book has made me look at some of the big names in human history i.e. alexander the great, napoleon, julius ceasar, einstein, thomas edison, jesus, thomas jefferson, socrates, buddha, thomas paine (or T. Paine as he's called in the hood), bob dylan, Hitler, ghandi, etc. what's amazing is every single one of these people, other than jesus, were just humans, some only living 30 or so years. they're just like you and me, but they've had such a profound impact upon the earth. how could a single human, like genghis khan, ever attain that kind of power. i'm not saying all of these people were benevolent, or even good people but it's just so awesome that humans have such a potential for greatness.
who's more important: the man doing the action, the historian documenting the man's action, or the next ruler for not destroying the historian's documents?
Simple Pleasures: following through with a plan, coming up with a unique idea when someone asks, "so whaduhyuh wanna do?", realizing you have the same amount of rights as your teacher when you turn 18 (actually that's probably a more complicated pleasure), not having a cough, buying something that works for a real long time, the way your heartbeats after you spoke in a debate in the classroom, making time for reading

I Will Spit Until I Learn How To Speak

I learned something these uneventful phlegm coughing, feet rubbing, stomach aching, eye blazing, Popsicle sucking, ear pressuring, fever dreaming past two days; TV commercials suck. They don't even use spell check sometimes. Your isn't You're!
Simple Pleasures: being able to sit up without feeling nauseous, being able to spell nauseous correctly the first time you try

And God Knows That Ain't Cheap

I woke up at three last night, and toss and turned for an hour because my throat hurt. i shivered for about an hour straight then ran to the toilet. i started wailing and yelling because my stomach hurt so much, and i eventually threw up a bunch of phlegm. now i'm eating toast and i feel like shit. luckily my dad bought me some dreamsicles.
yesterday afternoon i had nothing to do, so i tried to start a fire without using matches or a lighter. after a little youtube research i figured i would try the hand drill method. basically the idea is to spin a small spindle (or shaft of wood), which ideally is as thick as your pinky, into a notch you make in a piece of wood until you get a coal, with which you can start the fire. I got all my materials, which took me roughly 30 minutes in total to get all the best stuff, and went to work. i swear, it was the materials that were my eventual downfall. since it's been raining most of what i was working with was damp, but i figured if i cut off the top layer, or the bark, of the wood i was dealing with it wouldn't matter. well, i managed to get smoke but i wasn't able to get a coal. now both of my palms are raw, and i'm even more exhausted than i would've been if i were only sick.
someone should come over and take care of me. i would appreciate it. you should make me soup. with just a touch of oregano, and a parsley stem.
Simple Pleasures: Ricola, Dreamsicles, tea, toast, not wearing sweat drenched clothes

No Alarms And No Surprises

I like being depressed. i guess i shouldn't say depressed, cause i don't really think i have been since freshmen year, but when i get down on things i find peace. i don't know why, i find an odd sort of satisfaction when i'm mad with myself and my surrounding. I have this inner smile going on in me while i'm depressed. it sounds oxymoronic, but it's true. have you ever been taking your glass or ceramic plate back from the living room and just wanted to throw it into the ground, breaking it into a thousands little bits of shrapnel, for no apparent reason? it's an inner frustration, a fire inside that burns, a pent up anger of sorts that i enjoy to hold on to.
I find it very easy to be down on things though, cause i'm always complaining to someone, and if not someone then to myself. I was at a birthday party yesterday, and i was talking to this girl Erika, and other than talking about video games to her, i would talk about how i didn't like certain people in the room or stupid things that had been happening to me recently. this is probably due to the way i was raised. my family usually sits around a table when we eat, and my mom usually asks, "so what has happened to you recently?" to which everyone usually starts bitching about this or that. we never talk about any of the good stuff. if you've ever noticed that when you ask me how i've been or what's up, unless something great has happened recently, i will start telling you all the bad stuff that has happened to me. i find i can't have conversations with some people cause i can only complain, and they can only laugh and be happy. and i hate them for it, telling myself they are ignorant people and that i'm superior because i view the bigger picture and ask myself big questions, to which my conscious replies, "well, they're still happier than you." i then retort with the usual, "I'd rather be smart and unhappy than ignorant and blissful." and the conscious, oh so succinctly and snidely replies, "really?"
i was home alone today at about four o'clock, had just eaten a bagel and was standing my kitchen doorway when i thought to myself: what should i do? i couldn't think of one thing. i didn't want to read, play video games, go on the internet, eat, play an instrument, listen to music, watch TV, and i couldn't go outside because it was raining. i don't even remember what i did for the next hour and a half till the oscars came out, which i watched cause i was REALLY bored and had nothing to do.
This is what i think of humanity, or at least of individuals.
1. you are born.
2. you are educated to a certain extent of "Man" and his progress, stories, and ideas.
3. you try to add something to humanity, you try to please yourself, you try to please others, or you try to destroy everything.
4. you don't have anything else to give, you grow old and die.
so.
this is the way i view humanity, in a metaphor.
you wake up randomly, seeing simply whiteness all around you. you sit up. you stand up. you see a mini trampoline in front of you. you build up speed, jump, spring off the trampoline. you jump high enough to look through a window. you see a big pile of crap sitting in the middle of the room through the window. you crap in your hands and fling your own helping into the big pile. it collides into the gargantuan pile, and you lose track of what you added. you then fall back to the ground. when you land...nothingness.
that's it, you don't get to jump again, only one try, and you didn't even know what anything was. only you were just one human being, and every human has done this, and we're all throwing our handful crap into one big room with a million billion windows.
Simple Pleasures: Stretching in the morning, thinking of a unique idea for a school project, finding out the person next to you likes your favorite band as well, not recognizing anyone on the bus, being able to think of a lot of simple pleasures

The Rain Drops

Tonight i went to Vintage Faith with my brother, and he decided that he wanted to invite some people to his house afterwards for a little git together of sorts. he invited this one cute girl and she decided to come over, but it was just her that ended up showing up cause everyone else went to David's house afterwards. i talked to her a bit, and she seemed fine. i realized two things about myself though: 1. i don't like talking to or meeting new interesting people unless i'm in a really good mood. 2. i'm more critical and judgmental towards attractive people. i think it all comes back to me enjoying conversations with myself more, and that it takes a lot of effort to put on a show for someone i'll probably never see again. i really do make myself laugh a lot, just cause i'll think of something that's absolutely absurd or inappropriate, and i'll laugh about the fact that i would even think of saying something like that.
I don't get the questions "What's up?" or "How's it going?" so many times have i asked how someone is doing at the beginning of a conversation, then we'll talk for a bit, and i'll ask them the same question in a more serious tone and they will go on about how they met someone new or how they are depressed. i especially don't understand what's up though. i have asked people what's up a few times and they won't respond. it's like, "ummmm, you realize i just asked you a question, right?" i think the phrase has evolved into a two person hello. cause, unless some extremely recent matter is pressing on you, you will most likely answer "not much, you?" only, it's crammed into two syllables. society dictates what we do sometimes. that's why i do slightly awkward things sometimes. for example, i'll say "hello, how is it going?" but really pronunciate each word, as if i'm talking to a mentally handicapped person.
I think if i met an exact replica of myself, except that i didn't know it was myself, i would absolutely hate him. i can't believe people like to hang out with me sometimes.
Simple Pleasures: giving and receiving massages, finishing brushing your teeth, getting a bulls-eye with projectile, throwing a baseball perfectly to a person extremely far away, getting the black bus driver, receiving a text from the person you were just thinking about texting, the ding of the type writer telling you that you have typed a full line and the eventual push of the type writer back so you can begin a new line, hearing that people are talking about you positively while you were gone.

Infection Before Rejection.

Lately I've not wanted to talk to anyone.

at all.

I wish everyone would stop.

I don't want to have a conversation with you.

I don't want to read anymore.

I don't want to shoot anymore.

all I want is to be alone, listen to music deep in a forest while being encased in a bubble of warmth and sustenance.

stop making advances on me or trying to elicit support from me for your pathetic self-immolating ambitions.

stop pretending your altruistic when you try to help only the attractive.

stop thinking you're important when all you do is believe what your friends do.

stop trying to decode the shit that comes rappers who get paid to pretend they're poor.

stop feeling bad for those who fail and stop feeling hatred for those who succeed.
Stop wishing you were something that you’re taking no steps to becoming.
Stop believing that the irrational mystics who find the un-metaphysical sacred will actually give you usable advice.
Stop taking things at face value and perpetuating your own naivety.
Stop looking for the replacement for the hole in your heart when you don’t even understand your own morals.
Stop crying because the drugs aren’t strong enough.
Stop rejecting what you know is right because, “it feels wrong.”

Don't mix yourself up with beauty, your life is decaying and you are far from mediocre.
Stop making futile stabs at everything just so when you are questioned you can say, "but i tried."
just leave me alone and stop validating your own life with mine.

i don't care about you.

or your goddamn beliefs.

We are sons and daughters of cents and dollars.

Give me TV screens and limousines, just deliver me from this Liberty.

Computer Repair

My computer was taken to a computer repair shop because it kept shutting down went put under a bit of stress, i.e. watching a youtube video while having itunes open. i just got it back yesterday, but it was gone for longer than 10 days. it was horrible. i felt like i had lost an arm or something. thank god it's back though. i was considering talking about how terrible it's been without it and stuff like that, but i don't care anymore, and my head hurts anyways, so i'm not going to.
i learned just a month ago was a prima-donaa is. whenever anyone said that that actor is, "such a prima-donaa" i knew what it meant, but i was confused on how it was spelled. i thought it was a figure of speech, not that prima-donaa translates into thinking you're the best, i thought they meant they were "Pre-Madonna" as in before the pop star Madonna. Prima...Donna.....Pre...Madonna.
The Superbowl party was fun today, but at the same time i would've preferred simply going downtown, getting a cup of coffee, and reading one of my books. i just don't like talking to some people, even people that i like. it's hard to describe. i just prefer talking to people that probably already know what i'm gonna say, cause they know me so well. not that i'm necessarily predictable, just that i stay true to myself. like, Jacob would know, and Elijah definitely would know, maybe even Emma would know.
i'm been having a lot of trouble with electronics lately. my cellphone sucks, my computer still doesn't work perfectly (it's speakers are now broken), my headphones that i just got for christmas were broken when i got them, and my ipod won't charge so it's completely useless. very frustrating.
Simple Pleasures: Using a computer, realizing that you can sing the lyrics all the way through a song, getting a text from someone you want to talk to, beating someone at chess or checkers when they say that they're really good at it, finding money on the ground, having the thing you bought off the internet arrive at your house, scanning a photo into your computer, coughing up phlegm, being able to go to sleep right away, showers.

Short One

I'm borrowing a bike from my friend who went off to the army. it was just going to sit there for however long his term is, so he let me borrow it till he gets back. It's a fixed gear, and i rode it home from downtown. since i live in Soquel i rode past seabright beach, along east cliff, and through capitola village to get home. imbetween seabright beach and east cliff there are a few beaches. there is one specific one that has a long sloping hill that runs parallel to the beach, and in order to get onto the beach you have to go over a big wall of sand. if i knew the name of the beach i would put it down, but i sadly don't. the reason i'm talking about this is because tonight, while i was building up speed going down the long hill towards home, the light on my bike broke. at first i was alarmed and freaked out, but then i realized no cars were coming in either direction. as a precaution i pulled into the car lane. this all happened part way down the hill, but by the time i was at the bottom i couldn't see a thing. there were no street posts nor any cars to give my light. i felt like i was riding in the matrix, but instead of complete whiteness it was pitch black. i didn't know if two feet in front of me was a pot hole or the edge of the world, all i knew is that i was going too fast to stop if i wanted too and that i was loving it. it was amazing seeing nothing but the stars above, feeling the wind flowing under and through my clothes, smelling the saltiness of the sea, and the overall awareness that only comes about when you know at any moment you could be completely ruined. i was content with my predicament, accepting whatever came next. then i noticed the oncoming upward hill. Once again my inner ear was happy remembering which direction down was by seeing light hitting the ground from a nearby lamp post. i was happy to know that i was going to live, but at the same time i missed the the exhilaration of the moment passed.
Simple Pleasures: peeling an orange in one strip, waking up in the morning to freshly bought groceries, th smell of coffee in the morning, recommending a book or band to someone and then learn later that they actually listened to the recommendation, the sun setting just enough so it doesn't blind you anymore but it's still warm/cool out, talking to Elijah.

Reliability

important character trait. that probably isn't technically a character trait, but either way, i definitely like it in other people. reliability, punctuality, and honesty are three very important traits i look for in people. so if you hate me, and tell me you don't like me every time i ask, and show up when you say you'll show up, baby, we might have a future.
i caught up with a "friend" i hadn't talked to since last year. i really dislike this guy. he lies about everything. i saw him a week ago at school, and left as soon as i saw him, but when i talked to him tonight he says he hasn't visited school since last year. i don't get it. he rambles on about everything, and he aimlessly goes through life, complaining every step of the way about his circumstances, and telling everyone he meets about these poor series of unfortunate events. he doesn't shave, he has bad breath, and he shakes his head a lot when he talks, and for some reason i suspect he has some sort of mental problem, but that doesn't change the fact that i don't like him. anyways, i was talking to him and i thought to myself, "you don't care what this guy thinks of you do you? he doesn't know anyone that you like that he could ruin your relationship with. why not ask him some real questions about what he thinks about life, the world, religious and political views, and that kind of stuff?" and for some reason i decided to just keep making small talk about how his christmas break was going and if he liked his job. i don't know why i didn't ask him those questions. maybe it's because i don't care what he thinks of those things, or even that he might talk to me even longer and i don't want that. but, i don't think it was either of those things. i think it's because i'm afraid of feeling awkward, and that i don't have any guts. i don't like taking chances, even when there is no danger. i want to protect myself even if the outcome may be more interesting. i like feeling safe in my bubble, instead of being unprotected and more true to myself. i do this a lot though, and it's not always about what questions or answers i ask/give people. i won't do things because i would rather relax, or i won't go out of my way to make friends cause it's more comfortable drink coffee by myself, or i won't make plans with friends cause i've convinced myself that books are more interesting. i don't like taking risks, but who knows what opportunities i'm missing out on. i just hope i don't regret things when i look back.
on that note, i was thinking about it, and i'm gonna be such a good grandpa. by then i'll be very well-read, and i'll know all kinds of interesting stuff, and i'll be able to talk to my little granddaughter and tell her all about the world. all about the life she'll most likely have, and the passions she'll have. i can't wait to ask her what her ambitions are, and hear her shrill laugh when i spill coffee on myself.
Simple Pleasures: walking, standing on the edge of a cliff, feeling the blood pool in your finger tips when you stand still with your hands limp, opening a bottle for someone who can't, having the exact song you were hoping would come up get chosen on random, running your hand through your hair.

Seven O'clock

and both my parents are asleep on the couch. sometimes i feel like all they do is work hard, trade their time for money, waste their lives away just for me. i'm sure they enjoy themselves every now and then during work, but i'm just as sure that they would rather be doing something else. what worries me is that i'll most likely be doing the same thing when i'm their age, providing for my children. but at least then i'll be getting some.
Kurt Vonnegut is a genius. actually i'm lying, i wouldn't know, considering i've only read one of his books, and am just about to finish a second book of his. from material i've read so far though, i must say he is a unique writer. i like how he makes fun of himself and even the book during his descriptions of things. he loves to say nigger though. i get that that's the point, that people used to talk like that and it's a bad thing, but even so. he loves to confuse time as well, always talking about the future as if it were the present. he's an odd fellow.
i wish i always had coffee. if i had three wishes, one of them would definitely not be to always coffee on me, but maybe if i had a few. i also wish it wouldn't keep me up at night, so i could drink it whenever i want. Alton Brown says that Decaf coffee is of a lesser quality, and it makes sense. if you buy a Decaf pound of coffee for 5 dollars, and the regular one cost 5 dollars, the Decaf one would be worse quality because in order to Decaffeinate the coffee it has to go through an extra process, thus making it more expensive to make. so if you buy a 7 dollar pound of coffee it will probably be the same quality as the 5 dollar regular stuff. also, light roast coffee has more caffeine in it.
i've been having horrible dreams recently. two nights ago i dreamed that i slit the throat of my best friend. before that i thought i was gonna go smoke weed with a friend i would never ever do that with, and then we went to this really spooky cave. i can't really remember anything specific about other recent dreams i've had, but each day i woke up i know i'm glad i didn't remember my dream because i always feel scared when i wake up. it's probably all the stress from school...hahahaa
Simple Pleasures: giving a good gift to someone, a head nod from someone you don't know if you should nod your head to, fresh air, running your hand through your freshly washed hair, a persimmon, five stars on expert, nailing all the hammer-ons during a guitar hero riff, seeing someone fall, seeing someone gasp from fright, seeing people run in to glass cause they don't think it's there, yawning.

Presumptions

Life can just be passing you by, plain and simple, when all of a sudden it completely change. someone says a few things and then you view life differently. this someone can be from your life, from a book, or even from videos online or in a movie theater, but your perspective gets shifted. my recent revolution came about because of what someone in my life said, and it's confusing. i'm not gonna act on it, and overall nothing has physically changed, but now there's always this feeling nagging at me in the back my head. i just wish i knew exactly what i should do about the situation. i know what i should do as a christian, i know what i should do as a friend, and i know what i should do if i were just to follow what i want to do, but i don't know which to act upon. probably a mix of all three.
Emma's party was a lot of fun. lots of people i didn't know, but that was fine, i'm just glad a few showed up who i did know. she'll probably never read the book i got her, but it's a good one for sure.
Simple Pleasures: finding exactly what you're looking for in the fridge when you don't know exactly what you want before-hand, taking your socks off at the end of the day, hot coffee after playing in the snow, saying exactly what you want to say without stuttering when put on the spot, talking about a book with someone that both of you have read, a really good high-five.

It wasn't meant to be

that's how you always reassure yourself after someone breaks up with you, or if you get fired from a job, or if you miss an opportunity. "Oh, well, i guess it wasn't meant to be." what if there isn't that perfect person that you're "meant to be" with? what if someone who might be perfect for you lives in Indonesia and you'll never ever meet them? What if you break up with the person who is perfect for you and you never get back together? what if there simply isn't someone who is perfect or even great for you? i don't think anyone is who you're meant to be with, and that you have to make the best choices you can given your circumstances.
Sometimes i imagine what would happen if i killed myself during class. Like, if i suddenly pulled a handgun from my pocket and shot myself from my forehead to the back of my head, blood would splatter all over the person behind me. would that person be traumatized, would he need therapy, would he tell people when he was older of the day when brains were splattered all over his face? or what if i were to slit my throat and start bleeding all over the girl to my lefts paper. would she scream, would she faint, would she call for help, or would she hold me in her arms as i died? what would happen if i stood up shotgun in the middle of class and told the whole class to strip down naked, maybe shoot a few of them, and then blow my own head off, what would be the insurance implications, would the NRA get in trouble, would someone in Nebraska get an idea in his head and decide to do it too? by the time i consider all the events that might arise from all this suicidal events the class is usually over.
if god helps you do things, does that mean without him you couldn't do them? what if you want to do everything by yourself, including without God's assistance? If he can help you do something, but without him you wouldn't be able to do it, doesn't that mean that he prohibits you from doing good things? if someone enables you to do something, and without him he disables you, is that the same thing as stopping you?...maybe the fact that you couldn't do the things without his help just means that we can do things that are good, but with him we can do things that are great. why shouldn't we be able to great things by ourselves though. because we aren't God. I want to be God! what is the purpose of life? To be the eyes and ears and conscience of the Creator of the Universe, you fool.
Simple Pleasures: having shampoo and conditioner, red/orange/yellow leaves on a tree, reading the last page of a long book, finding exactly what you were looking for at the bargain barn, all your electronics being fully charged or with brand new batteries in them, getting to the pokemon center only one more step away from poison killing your last pokemon, headshots, dings, rolling a 20, cracking every single knuckle, catching food in your mouth that you throw high into the air after you say "watch this" to a friend.

Happiness

I was talking to one of my friends in school a while ago, and i asked her what her main goal in life was. She replied that she just wanted to be happy. i said that was a very immature goal to have for life, and she got really offended and asked what i meant. i didn't really have a good reply to it, but i think i do now. I've read 1984, Fahrenheit 451, brave new world, and this perfect day, and in every single one of those books the inhabitants were happy. happy, but overall very ignorant. everyone's heard the term "ignorance is bliss" and it is probably true. but ignorance is not fulfillment, or success, or joy. if the human race were always happy we would get nothing done. we would just be complacent and stagnant. In "this perfect day" the human race was injected with "treatments" twice a month making them, among other things, at peace, unimaginative, happy, and just like everyone else. The main character managed to skip multiple treatments, and he experienced sexual urges, thoughts of violence, and artistic development. He managed to escape to an island that wasn't controlled by people who were treated. this island was impoverished, violent, and full of other such "evil things." i think happiness breads slothfulness, acceptance, and an overall unproductive person. if there was a machine that just gave you pure orgasmic pleasure all day long for eternity, you would probably say you are a happy person, but you couldn't say your life brought about anything worthwhile or meant anything. i'm not necessarily against happiness, i love being happy, but someone whose pure goal in life is to be happy just makes me sad. happiness is fleeting and subjective. joy on the other hand you earn through actions. joy lasts and comes about when you accomplish something. happiness is a fleeting emotion, while joy is a state of mind. you can be happy at the beginning of your day, but when some small circumstances change, you instantly turn over to bickering and complaining. someone who is filled with joy on the other hand gets happiness out of everything, whether his or her circumstances change or not. it's the person who finds the "silver lining" in everything that is truly filled with joy. happiness in and of itself is not bad, just don't let it dominate and dictate your decisions.
Simple Pleasures: waking up to no one in the house, sleeping past nine o'clock, each picture turning out on your roll of negatives, half of the pictures turning out on your roll of negatives, remembering you have a gift card to the place that you're shopping at, the sound the button makes when you take a picture with an old camera, being really thirsty at night and having a bottle of water right next to you.