No Alarms And No Surprises

I like being depressed. i guess i shouldn't say depressed, cause i don't really think i have been since freshmen year, but when i get down on things i find peace. i don't know why, i find an odd sort of satisfaction when i'm mad with myself and my surrounding. I have this inner smile going on in me while i'm depressed. it sounds oxymoronic, but it's true. have you ever been taking your glass or ceramic plate back from the living room and just wanted to throw it into the ground, breaking it into a thousands little bits of shrapnel, for no apparent reason? it's an inner frustration, a fire inside that burns, a pent up anger of sorts that i enjoy to hold on to.
I find it very easy to be down on things though, cause i'm always complaining to someone, and if not someone then to myself. I was at a birthday party yesterday, and i was talking to this girl Erika, and other than talking about video games to her, i would talk about how i didn't like certain people in the room or stupid things that had been happening to me recently. this is probably due to the way i was raised. my family usually sits around a table when we eat, and my mom usually asks, "so what has happened to you recently?" to which everyone usually starts bitching about this or that. we never talk about any of the good stuff. if you've ever noticed that when you ask me how i've been or what's up, unless something great has happened recently, i will start telling you all the bad stuff that has happened to me. i find i can't have conversations with some people cause i can only complain, and they can only laugh and be happy. and i hate them for it, telling myself they are ignorant people and that i'm superior because i view the bigger picture and ask myself big questions, to which my conscious replies, "well, they're still happier than you." i then retort with the usual, "I'd rather be smart and unhappy than ignorant and blissful." and the conscious, oh so succinctly and snidely replies, "really?"
i was home alone today at about four o'clock, had just eaten a bagel and was standing my kitchen doorway when i thought to myself: what should i do? i couldn't think of one thing. i didn't want to read, play video games, go on the internet, eat, play an instrument, listen to music, watch TV, and i couldn't go outside because it was raining. i don't even remember what i did for the next hour and a half till the oscars came out, which i watched cause i was REALLY bored and had nothing to do.
This is what i think of humanity, or at least of individuals.
1. you are born.
2. you are educated to a certain extent of "Man" and his progress, stories, and ideas.
3. you try to add something to humanity, you try to please yourself, you try to please others, or you try to destroy everything.
4. you don't have anything else to give, you grow old and die.
so.
this is the way i view humanity, in a metaphor.
you wake up randomly, seeing simply whiteness all around you. you sit up. you stand up. you see a mini trampoline in front of you. you build up speed, jump, spring off the trampoline. you jump high enough to look through a window. you see a big pile of crap sitting in the middle of the room through the window. you crap in your hands and fling your own helping into the big pile. it collides into the gargantuan pile, and you lose track of what you added. you then fall back to the ground. when you land...nothingness.
that's it, you don't get to jump again, only one try, and you didn't even know what anything was. only you were just one human being, and every human has done this, and we're all throwing our handful crap into one big room with a million billion windows.
Simple Pleasures: Stretching in the morning, thinking of a unique idea for a school project, finding out the person next to you likes your favorite band as well, not recognizing anyone on the bus, being able to think of a lot of simple pleasures