Friday, February 27, 2009

I Will Spit Until I Learn How To Speak

I learned something these uneventful phlegm coughing, feet rubbing, stomach aching, eye blazing, Popsicle sucking, ear pressuring, fever dreaming past two days; TV commercials suck. They don't even use spell check sometimes. Your isn't You're!
Simple Pleasures: being able to sit up without feeling nauseous, being able to spell nauseous correctly the first time you try

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

And God Knows That Ain't Cheap

I woke up at three last night, and toss and turned for an hour because my throat hurt. i shivered for about an hour straight then ran to the toilet. i started wailing and yelling because my stomach hurt so much, and i eventually threw up a bunch of phlegm. now i'm eating toast and i feel like shit. luckily my dad bought me some dreamsicles.
yesterday afternoon i had nothing to do, so i tried to start a fire without using matches or a lighter. after a little youtube research i figured i would try the hand drill method. basically the idea is to spin a small spindle (or shaft of wood), which ideally is as thick as your pinky, into a notch you make in a piece of wood until you get a coal, with which you can start the fire. I got all my materials, which took me roughly 30 minutes in total to get all the best stuff, and went to work. i swear, it was the materials that were my eventual downfall. since it's been raining most of what i was working with was damp, but i figured if i cut off the top layer, or the bark, of the wood i was dealing with it wouldn't matter. well, i managed to get smoke but i wasn't able to get a coal. now both of my palms are raw, and i'm even more exhausted than i would've been if i were only sick.
someone should come over and take care of me. i would appreciate it. you should make me soup. with just a touch of oregano, and a parsley stem.
Simple Pleasures: Ricola, Dreamsicles, tea, toast, not wearing sweat drenched clothes

Sunday, February 22, 2009

No Alarms And No Surprises

I like being depressed. i guess i shouldn't say depressed, cause i don't really think i have been since freshmen year, but when i get down on things i find peace. i don't know why, i find an odd sort of satisfaction when i'm mad with myself and my surrounding. I have this inner smile going on in me while i'm depressed. it sounds oxymoronic, but it's true. have you ever been taking your glass or ceramic plate back from the living room and just wanted to throw it into the ground, breaking it into a thousands little bits of shrapnel, for no apparent reason? it's an inner frustration, a fire inside that burns, a pent up anger of sorts that i enjoy to hold on to.
I find it very easy to be down on things though, cause i'm always complaining to someone, and if not someone then to myself. I was at a birthday party yesterday, and i was talking to this girl Erika, and other than talking about video games to her, i would talk about how i didn't like certain people in the room or stupid things that had been happening to me recently. this is probably due to the way i was raised. my family usually sits around a table when we eat, and my mom usually asks, "so what has happened to you recently?" to which everyone usually starts bitching about this or that. we never talk about any of the good stuff. if you've ever noticed that when you ask me how i've been or what's up, unless something great has happened recently, i will start telling you all the bad stuff that has happened to me. i find i can't have conversations with some people cause i can only complain, and they can only laugh and be happy. and i hate them for it, telling myself they are ignorant people and that i'm superior because i view the bigger picture and ask myself big questions, to which my conscious replies, "well, they're still happier than you." i then retort with the usual, "I'd rather be smart and unhappy than ignorant and blissful." and the conscious, oh so succinctly and snidely replies, "really?"
i was home alone today at about four o'clock, had just eaten a bagel and was standing my kitchen doorway when i thought to myself: what should i do? i couldn't think of one thing. i didn't want to read, play video games, go on the internet, eat, play an instrument, listen to music, watch TV, and i couldn't go outside because it was raining. i don't even remember what i did for the next hour and a half till the oscars came out, which i watched cause i was REALLY bored and had nothing to do.
This is what i think of humanity, or at least of individuals.
1. you are born.
2. you are educated to a certain extent of "Man" and his progress, stories, and ideas.
3. you try to add something to humanity, you try to please yourself, you try to please others, or you try to destroy everything.
4. you don't have anything else to give, you grow old and die.
so.
this is the way i view humanity, in a metaphor.
you wake up randomly, seeing simply whiteness all around you. you sit up. you stand up. you see a mini trampoline in front of you. you build up speed, jump, spring off the trampoline. you jump high enough to look through a window. you see a big pile of crap sitting in the middle of the room through the window. you crap in your hands and fling your own helping into the big pile. it collides into the gargantuan pile, and you lose track of what you added. you then fall back to the ground. when you land...nothingness.
that's it, you don't get to jump again, only one try, and you didn't even know what anything was. only you were just one human being, and every human has done this, and we're all throwing our handful crap into one big room with a million billion windows.
Simple Pleasures: Stretching in the morning, thinking of a unique idea for a school project, finding out the person next to you likes your favorite band as well, not recognizing anyone on the bus, being able to think of a lot of simple pleasures

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Rain Drops

Tonight i went to Vintage Faith with my brother, and he decided that he wanted to invite some people to his house afterwards for a little git together of sorts. he invited this one cute girl and she decided to come over, but it was just her that ended up showing up cause everyone else went to David's house afterwards. i talked to her a bit, and she seemed fine. i realized two things about myself though: 1. i don't like talking to or meeting new interesting people unless i'm in a really good mood. 2. i'm more critical and judgmental towards attractive people. i think it all comes back to me enjoying conversations with myself more, and that it takes a lot of effort to put on a show for someone i'll probably never see again. i really do make myself laugh a lot, just cause i'll think of something that's absolutely absurd or inappropriate, and i'll laugh about the fact that i would even think of saying something like that.
I don't get the questions "What's up?" or "How's it going?" so many times have i asked how someone is doing at the beginning of a conversation, then we'll talk for a bit, and i'll ask them the same question in a more serious tone and they will go on about how they met someone new or how they are depressed. i especially don't understand what's up though. i have asked people what's up a few times and they won't respond. it's like, "ummmm, you realize i just asked you a question, right?" i think the phrase has evolved into a two person hello. cause, unless some extremely recent matter is pressing on you, you will most likely answer "not much, you?" only, it's crammed into two syllables. society dictates what we do sometimes. that's why i do slightly awkward things sometimes. for example, i'll say "hello, how is it going?" but really pronunciate each word, as if i'm talking to a mentally handicapped person.
I think if i met an exact replica of myself, except that i didn't know it was myself, i would absolutely hate him. i can't believe people like to hang out with me sometimes.
Simple Pleasures: giving and receiving massages, finishing brushing your teeth, getting a bulls-eye with projectile, throwing a baseball perfectly to a person extremely far away, getting the black bus driver, receiving a text from the person you were just thinking about texting, the ding of the type writer telling you that you have typed a full line and the eventual push of the type writer back so you can begin a new line, hearing that people are talking about you positively while you were gone.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Infection Before Rejection.

Lately I've not wanted to talk to anyone.

at all.

I wish everyone would stop.

I don't want to have a conversation with you.

I don't want to read anymore.

I don't want to shoot anymore.

all I want is to be alone, listen to music deep in a forest while being encased in a bubble of warmth and sustenance.

stop making advances on me or trying to elicit support from me for your pathetic self-immolating ambitions.

stop pretending your altruistic when you try to help only the attractive.

stop thinking you're important when all you do is believe what your friends do.

stop trying to decode the shit that comes rappers who get paid to pretend they're poor.

stop feeling bad for those who fail and stop feeling hatred for those who succeed.
Stop wishing you were something that you’re taking no steps to becoming.
Stop believing that the irrational mystics who find the un-metaphysical sacred will actually give you usable advice.
Stop taking things at face value and perpetuating your own naivety.
Stop looking for the replacement for the hole in your heart when you don’t even understand your own morals.
Stop crying because the drugs aren’t strong enough.
Stop rejecting what you know is right because, “it feels wrong.”

Don't mix yourself up with beauty, your life is decaying and you are far from mediocre.
Stop making futile stabs at everything just so when you are questioned you can say, "but i tried."
just leave me alone and stop validating your own life with mine.

i don't care about you.

or your goddamn beliefs.


We are sons and daughters of cents and dollars.

Give me TV screens and limousines, just deliver me from this Liberty.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Computer Repair

My computer was taken to a computer repair shop because it kept shutting down went put under a bit of stress, i.e. watching a youtube video while having itunes open. i just got it back yesterday, but it was gone for longer than 10 days. it was horrible. i felt like i had lost an arm or something. thank god it's back though. i was considering talking about how terrible it's been without it and stuff like that, but i don't care anymore, and my head hurts anyways, so i'm not going to.
i learned just a month ago was a prima-donaa is. whenever anyone said that that actor is, "such a prima-donaa" i knew what it meant, but i was confused on how it was spelled. i thought it was a figure of speech, not that prima-donaa translates into thinking you're the best, i thought they meant they were "Pre-Madonna" as in before the pop star Madonna. Prima...Donna.....Pre...Madonna.
The Superbowl party was fun today, but at the same time i would've preferred simply going downtown, getting a cup of coffee, and reading one of my books. i just don't like talking to some people, even people that i like. it's hard to describe. i just prefer talking to people that probably already know what i'm gonna say, cause they know me so well. not that i'm necessarily predictable, just that i stay true to myself. like, Jacob would know, and Elijah definitely would know, maybe even Emma would know.
i'm been having a lot of trouble with electronics lately. my cellphone sucks, my computer still doesn't work perfectly (it's speakers are now broken), my headphones that i just got for christmas were broken when i got them, and my ipod won't charge so it's completely useless. very frustrating.
Simple Pleasures: Using a computer, realizing that you can sing the lyrics all the way through a song, getting a text from someone you want to talk to, beating someone at chess or checkers when they say that they're really good at it, finding money on the ground, having the thing you bought off the internet arrive at your house, scanning a photo into your computer, coughing up phlegm, being able to go to sleep right away, showers.